More Blogging

Yeah, I think that I am way to used to blogging anymore. I have two sites to blog on, and it is this one and live journal. I have had a lot of things bother me here lately and I honestly don't know where or where not to start. I am loving my job tremendously and I can't believe how much I am in love with it. I guess the main thing is that I am afraid that my family will find out what I am doing but in the same sense I am a grown ass adult and I am able to make my own decisions. It isn't like I am fucking around or screwing all kinds of people. I am take my clothes off for money and masturbate in front of my camera for money. I am alone in my house.


On another note, someone knocked on the front door once again after 11 pm tonight. I was freaked out but then again this is how many nights in a row now? I am kinda getting used to it by now. I just wonder who it is because everytime that I make it to the door there is nobody there. Craig said it may be the wind or something but there are no tree limbs that hang that close to the door. I made a little bit of fun about it and said that we let Casper out and now s/he is trying to come back in the house and don't want to barge in without being invited into the home. Lol. 


Anyways, on yet another note, I got all of my linguire in the mail today, the only thing I am waiting on are my heels. I can't wait until I get them and then I would have the whole shabang for my job. :) I already noticed that I had more ppl show up tonight than what normally shows up in my other shoes and I am guessing it was because of what I was wearing. When I get enough money I am going to be buying more linguire to wear to work in. :) A little variety. I am also tripping out a little bit on how bad my scars look and how fat I am as well as how white I am. I have diet pills that I am waiting on and I researched on how to get rid of scars naturally, now it is just going to take time for everything. I am thinking about doing some research on how much it would be for like a membership for unlimited tanning or some shit like that. I want to get fairly dark skinned like I once was.


Anyways, I guess that is enough of me for now. I hope everyone has a great night!!! Feel free to comment or ask questions!!!

More updating

well, i have started a new job online. I started it almost a month ago. I am doing webcam modeling and it fairly pays well as long as i work. I get side tracked or I feel like shit at times. I actually love doing it. I don't get paid as much as I would like to. I guess that I need to up my rates. I have done that before and nobody wanted to take me to private. I can sort of understand it but then again, I dunno. I need to find the rest of my cute sexy panties, lol. It seems like my customers like those better than my granny panties. Hell who the fuck could blame them? I am a panty person in a way. I think all kinds of panties are cute on women no matter what they look like. Nothing wrong with it. I should be getting my thongs and stuff in the mail sometime this week and I can not wait by any means.


I wasn't able to work while my kiddos were down and then I woke up this morning sick. Ugh. I hate being sick. Hopefully I am able to go to sleep before to long. On another note I have been tripping out a lot these last few nights, someone has been coming late at night and knocking on the door and getting the dog riled up. The first night it was at 10 pm and tonight it was around 10 pm and at midnight. I just don't know what the hell to think about that. Anyways, I have blogged enough. Hopefully I will blog more in the future. Don't hesitate to leave me comments. Yes camming is free to do and it is an easy way to make money. :)

Updating....

I know that it has been a long time since the last time that I posted on here but there is a lot of things that have been going on. My husband's ex (heather aka heffer) started shit yet again and this time it was something very serious. So not only is she having to deal with DHS, myself, my husband, my ex, and his wife as well as all the kids have to put up with DHS as well. I can't go further into detail because the case is still open but I am so pissed over all of this shit.


My birthday was on November 29th, it was actually a pretty good birthday, it would have been great if I would have had my kids with me. I am currently going to therapy every 2 weeks since I got my grant that pays for 10 therapy appointments which has done me good to an extent. My husband is still working 2 jobs, he does lucky to get one day off a week, but he is enjoying the money in a way.


They cut our food stamps off back in August because he supposidly made to much money, but with all the bills and medicine and gas and insurance and all of that shit we do lucky to have 20 bucks left over and that has to go to the vehicle for gas so he can get back and forth to work. I am enrolled in a different online college and they are constantly doing maintenance on it which puts every further behind than what they need to be. I was already behind as it was but it seems like the site has been doing maintenance or down for maintenance for the past week or so which has put me even further behind in class and the site won't be back up until late tonight.


I just hope and pray that I can get majorly caught up. I am actually walking better, but I have still fell quite a few times. I fell on the 22nd of November, when I was going to go to the van to get the rest of my pain meds, it had been raining a lot and when I step on the last step I slid and I hit my back on the top step. I have been in a shit ton of pain since then along with my right leg going completely numb off and on. I made an appt with the doctor but the soonest that they can get me in is on the 6th. I am trying to steer clear of the ER until then.


Well, right now, I have no clue as to what else to type about or talk about. I hope that you all have a great night and thank you for all of the birthday wishes. :)

Dunno wth is going on with me

I can honestly say, that I have no clue what in the world is going on with me. I am seeing things in the house more and more the more that my husband works. I am taking my sleeping pills earlier at night so I can go to sleep sooner and then sleep longer. All kinds of things have been happening. Everytime I feel like someone is watching me, I get overwhelmed with emotions. I will start yelling at whatever it is and whenever I feel really freaked out, something will fall down or fall over or I will hear a weird noise.

I haven't been doing any of my rituals in a long ass time and I haven't meditated in a long ass time and I just don't know what is going on with me. I have been having really bad dreams about me being back in prison, but it is different kindof. It is the same layout, but different people and I have more things wrong with me. I don't know why I would be dreaming that. I am not doing anything to go back to prison much less jail.

I have had so many things that I needed to blog on and whenever I would come sit down at my desk to type, I start feeling ashamed, like I shouldn't type out my feelings or something. I feel like I am a little kid doing something that I know I shouldn't do and that feeling has kept me from typing.

My doctor took my off my psych meds and put me on Celexa. I have been on it for 3 months and there has really been no change at all in my moods. I have already had 3 anxiety/panic attacks in the last 5 days. Today being the 3rd one. I still feel like I shouldn't be typing anything out, but I am really fighting that feeling with everything that I have right now.

I see my therapist tomorrow and maybe something can be helpful that she can tell me. I don't know. Something is seriously going on. Something is trying to control me, but I don't know what. I haven't been stressed out in a few weeks. I finally was able to get myself another vehicle, so I dunno wth it could be. Well, I just had to vent.

August 3, 2011

Something weird happened to me the other day. I was laying in bed and I heard some strong winds that woke me up. I checked my phone and it said the winds outside were 0mph and the way it sounded was the winds were 20mph plus I heard the fans in the bedroom. It really tripped me out and then I ended up falling asleep. I woke up (or thought I did) to my husband calling my name. I turned over and asked him what was wrong and his face morphed in front of my face. It wasn't him.

I freaked out and I went running through the house and ran outside and into a huge shed type building (like a garage for big trucks), when I entered the building it had all types of lawn mowers, and all types of garden shears and hooks and saws and things like that. I was tripping out, I didn't know where to go. I heard this guy telling me he was going to find me no matter what and get me. Then some of my old high school buddies came out of nowhere and was telling me to dye my hair in the sink and all this other stuff and I was really freaking out.

This dream was so real that I told one of my friends to pinch me and she did and I felt it. I really freaked out then. My friends told me to hurry and I started dying my hair in the sink. While I got done rinsing my hair I had to use the bathroom really badly and there was no commode, so I found a trash can with a garbage bag in it and as I pulled down my pants and fixing to hover over it. I woke up. I went to the bathroom as fast as I could without falling. When I come back to the bedroom, I checked my phone to see what time it was and I noticed that I had a voice mail. So when I checked it, there was static with an evil sounding voice followed by more static, I freaked out and ended the call and went to sleep. When I woke back up I told my husband what had happened to me and when I went to play the msg back to him, IT WASN'T THERE!!!! I freaked out because I know that I didn't erase it.

I broke down crying and my husband said he believes me. I have had tons of experiences in the past but nothing like this. It really freaked me out. I didn't know what in the world to do. Well, that is what was going on in my wonderful world.

Partial Update

Well, I am still having trouble walking on my own, I am trying to steer myself away from the walker, but I can only do that for so long. I can walk with my husbands assistance outside the house, but I can only go so far before my legs give out on me. I fell hard on Tuesday the 19th. I ended up pulling stitches and pulling a muscle which caused a huge knot in my back. I went and stayed with my parents for the week to make sure nothing else happened. I went to my other doctor to get my meds and he put me on a new med and took me off two of my other one's because I cannot afford them. He took me off Lexapro and Invega and put me on Celexa.

The Celexa zones my @ss out big time. My schooling seems to be getting harder and harder which bumfuzzles the crap out of me. I dunno if I am going to even pass this course. My next course is human a&p 2 which is going to be harder then 1. My doctor also looked at my stitches and said they look excellent and my back is healing nicely. I get my stitches out in the morning. I was trying to post a picture of my back that was taken a few days but it doesn't like me right now. I have more feeling in my legs than I did, and I am still hoping and praying for the best. I know it will come back in time. I have FAITH. Something that I don't have a lot of. Well, that is a little bit of an update.

Tired of Nothing

It has been awhile since I posted last. I had surgery this past Monday and I got out of the hospital yesterday. I am not able to walk without a walker until my feeling comes back completely in both legs/feet. It really sucks. The doctor said it is due to the fact that I still have swelling in my back and that as the swelling goes down the nerve will be healing back. I know last time it took about a week after I got out of the hospital to get my feeling back. I have a little more feeling than what I did, but I am able to walk more than what I did in the hospital.

I had one visitor in the hospital that wasn't my husband or one of the employees that was there. They were wanting to keep me until today, but I wasn't a fan of staying in the hospital, even though physical therapy really didn't want me going. I hate not being able to do anything. I get my stitches out on the 28th. I can't wait honestly. They are making my hubby work all kinds of crazy hours and now he really don't have any time with me, they started this crap when they found out I was having surgery and after I had surgery. I still need him home, because I can't go and fix me anything to eat or drink without possibly falling.

I am not allowed to bend or stoop or lift up more than 10lbs. I couldn't do any of that to begin with, but still, it really sucks. My walker does come in handy though, a lot more than what I thought it would. I just wish my house was bigger or roomier so that I can go more places with my walker. I have to get tennis balls for the back of it so that I can bare my weight without it stopping the walker. I dunno what all to talk about. I have so much to say, yet I don't. Craig got off at 2:30 this morning and then they called him in at 9 something for him to be there at 10 and he will work till 10 tonight. He has some darn good overtime hours, but still, they aren't giving a crap about me just getting out of the hospital, no more than I got home from the hospital yesterday he had to go into work and then he didn't get off until 2:30 this morning and he had to be there at 10 am again. This crap is really sucky and I wish they would lay off of him. At least he works 2 more days and then he is off for two days. Technically one day and he works his other job on Tuesday. Anyways, I have ranted enough.

Hope you all have a blessed day!!!

The Pain!!!

I am so sick and tired of being in pain. I am always in pain and the days that I am not in pain, I end up in lots of pain just by doing simple stuff. I don't know how much more I can handle. I have been constantly cleaning up every day for the last 2 weeks and I can't literally do it anymore.

Our puppy pooped everywhere within the first hour she was out of the crate this afternoon. I swear she shit 10 times within an hours time. To solve the pooping problem, I finally had to give her away to someone that I know will take good care of her and her have her own big back yard to run and play in and she can poop whereever she wants to and she is back with the other two of my pups that I had given to my friend here while back.

I am literally in so much pain from constantly bending over to pick up or clean up poop or vacuuming or steam cleaning or even leaning over to put dishes in the dishwasher. I can't handle this stuff much more. I wish surgery would hurry up and come on. My youngest son is going to his daddy's on Monday. After the 4th I am going to have nothing but non stop appointments and then the Monday after that I am going to have surgery that morning of the 11th. I am excited, I just hope and pray that all my sores hurry up and heal up.

I am using two different kinds of soaps to heal myself up, my other problem is I am rubbed raw, but I can heal quicker from being rubbed raw than having sores on me, due to my immune system. Anyways, please everyone pray for me, I really want to be healed up skin wise so that I can definently have my surgery on July 11th.

What Goes Around, Comes Around...

Well, as most of you have read, this is going to be an update to the topic Stupid B*tch! DHS came to my house yet again yesterday and the DHS worker said is it me or is this house even cleaner than what it was before? I told him, yes, it is a lot more white than what it was before. He told me the reason why he was there again was for the follow up that way if anyone else was to call anonymously about this bs again more than likely it won't be bothered with again. That don't bother me at all.

This time I felt like something might have been up though. He was asking me about my kids and he said neither one of them live with you, am I right, and I said what?! Yes, my youngest son pretty much lives with me. He said where is your oldest at, who has custody. I said I have joint custody with their father and he has the oldest. He said, hmm, ok. He said do you mind if I talk to your son for a minute, and I told him sure go right on ahead. He went outside and asked Joshua a few questions and then came in and asked my husband and I a few questions.

He asked about the pen in the back yard for the dogs and we told him about the leak that is under the trailer or somewhere that is causing the soil to be all mushy and stuff and we don't want the dogs getting something much less coming in muddy every night where I am going to have to end up washing them. He said yeah, he understood that. Well, he said before he left that we shouldn't have to worry about him coming back and that if anyone called about us again it would have to be worse than what had been called on us before for them to take it seriously.

After he left, we asked Josh what all they talked about, and Josh said he asked me who cleans the house and he said I told him you did mom even though you aren't supposed to. He said he asked me what happens to me when I get into trouble and he said nothing really. They just take it away from me. He said does your house normally look like this and Josh said yeah and that mommy hasn't been feeling to good so she let it go for a few days. He also asked Josh if we scream or yell at him or anything and Josh told him no.

Him asking Josh all these questions made me feel like someone was trying to say that I abused my kids which LORD knows I would never do. I may get frustrated with them at times, but by no means am I going to beat them or anything to that nature. Anyways, my husbands ex is in for a rude ass awakening. We have an attorney, she also has been pushing child support further and hubby got a letter in the mail if he didn't pay this amount or that amount that he would be going to jail. It was getting held out of his check, but wtf ever we went ahead and paid that bullshit as well. I hope karma gets this bitch and fucking gets her good. I am tired of all her bullshit and drama. If I was my old self I would have done beat that bitches ass.

Stupid Bitch!!!

I am sorry I started the title off like that, but my day has been hectic. I have been hurting like a mofo. I have had homework to do and I have been cleaning really badly. I try to do stuff to get my mind off the pain and when the pain subsides a little bit I start cleaning like crazy. Today I have been over doing it. Well, I started hurting really badly and I had a major migraine and I told my husband that I was going to go and lay down. I was asleep maybe 30 mins and I heard a mans voice and the dogs started barking. I was like WTF??? I started seeing these flashes of light and I was like wth, I thought my son was playing with my new digi cam. As I was fixing to get up, hubby came in there and turned on the bedroom light and said a guy was there from DHS.

I was like wth, why? The DHS worker said they got an anonymous tip that our house was horrible and not liveable and that there was dog shit and piss everywhere in the house and that we never clean and that our trash cans in the house were over flowing and every dish in the house was dirty, we supposidly have no food, our bathroom and tub supposidly had human feces all in it, we also supposidly owned a vicious pit bull and a vicious rotweiler. When I was being told this crap, I was like OMG, how can she make up so much shit and think she can get away with it.

The DHS worker said who? I told him my husbands ex wife. I said when she don't get her way, she tries everything she can possible to get even more. The stupid bitch is even trying to get my fucking car saying that he purchased it while they were still together and all this bs. Stupid cunt, I bought that car in 2006, it has been in my first married name, and no man is going to get it or no ex gf or ex wife for that matter. She can try to get him for everything that he owns and guess what, haha, that is a laptop and clothes. She also lied and said that he was working 2 really good jobs and he was supposidly bringing home over 600 dollars a week.

Anyways, back to the DHS worker, he was taking pictures to prove that there is NOTHING wrong with the living conditions in my home and that it IS NOT unsuitable for children or adults to be living here. He also took a picture of our dogs, which none of them are rottie's or pit bulls and the dogs that we have are no where near close to vicious. He literally took pictures of everything to prove that nothing was nasty, not even the ferret cage was nasty. Everything is dusted and the only thing that stinks in here was the scrapes I had sitting on the counter that I took out of the fridge last night to throw away.

I just think it is so funny that hubby's ex made her own damn self look like a fool. Her dumbass has never been in my home nor will she ever be allowed in my home after all this shit she has pulled. The DHS worker even asked my son if our house always looks like this and he said yeah. He said the puppy, Precious, will normally go potty in the bathroom, but mommy cleans that up when she isn't hurting. He said what is wrong with your mommy, he said she had back surgery and she is having surgery again in a few weeks. Nothing else was said and he went on his marry little way.

Why Me?

Yes, I asked that very famous question that a lot of people ask. Why me? The famous answer that some morons come up with is why not? I have a lot of mental issues, I am a paranoid, physcophrenic (sp?), that is bi-polar, with suicidal tendencies. Yes, that is what my therapist says. Also, did I mention I have a severe case of insomnia? Yes, that covers me in a literary NUTSHELL. I have had 3 hrs of sleep, if that is what you want to call it, in a little over 24 hrs. I am highly emotional.

It has been awhile since I have cut, a few months actually. I am wanting to do it again so badly that I can't stand it right now. I am overwhelmed with everything. I won't have my kids till tomorrow and I miss them like crazy. I knew on their trip to Branson that something was wrong with one of my kids and I couldn't place it. It wasn't something bad, but I knew something wasn't right. I asked my ex husband if the kids were ok, and he said yeah, they are ok, so I am like ok. Well, Thursday I knew they were coming back home from Branson, so I waited till yesterday to call since I knew it was a long trip for them to make and I knew the boys would be tired, when I called Josh answered the phone. I said, "Hey baby, how are you and bubba doing?" He said, guess what, I said what, He said I have poison ivy. I said what, how did you get it? He said on the saffari they went on at Branson.

I asked his dad last night through a msg (which I knew he wouldn't get till today) how bad of poison ivy does he have, he said not bad, then I asked him what he considered not bad, he said it is all over his back, arms, and neck. It took everything I had not to get emotional over that, it was his job to let me know, but at the same time, I have to understand that maybe he thought he didn't want to upset me, or it just showed up. I can understand that, so I let it slide, no need for an argument over something that takes days to show up in most cases anyways.

I am tired of being alone here in this house, not even in jail or prison was I allowed to be alone because of my cutting and suicidal tendencies. I have major trust issues as it is and with my hubby I have been letting the walls down because we have been married for a little over 2 years. Well, he was in the navy for 8 of the almost 9 years that he was married to his ex wife and he openly admitted to me that she cheated on him so in return he cheated on her and I have been cheated on numerous times by many men. No, I am not perfect, and I am not going to say that I haven't cheated before in my life or in my first marriage. I can say the reasoning, but it doesn't make me any less guilty for doing it. Well, my husband works 2 jobs and when he started working his first jobs he would constantly talk about these girls and it really irritated me, because they were young and skinny and some of them were pretty.

Well, last night he was talking to this girl that he works with at his second job and he was talking about how she is a Wiccan like me and that she is also bi-sexual like me. I said really, is she cute, he said no not really. I said you aren't thinking about doing anything with her are you, and he said no, she ain't cute, I wouldn't have any thoughts like that and so on and so forth. I could tell he was lying, so I stormed to the bathroom and took me a shower and broke down crying. I told him, a lot of the time that guys tell girls that their gf or wife is bi sexual that is normally an offer of a 3 some. He said, no I didn't mean it like that, and I told him that is how some women take it. He said she can have you but I don't want a 3 some. He said she is cute and all but she has a bf and I am married and not to mention she is my co-worker so I wouldn't even attempt it anyways. I am like wth, you just told me she wasn't your type or cute or anything. I don't know wth is going on. He has been a good man to me, yes we have had our ups and downs, but this past week, he has pretty much been with her the whole time they are working. What am I supposed to do? I want to believe he is faithful, but at the same time, we aren't having sex because what is the point since I can't feel it? He can and he complains about it been to tight (i know tmi), but what do you expect now being able to have sex?

I don't want this marriage to fail like my other 2 did. I am 27 years old. I know how to stand on my own two feet, well used to, but now I am paralyzed waist down pretty much, the only feeling I have is in my left leg which supports me. I dunno wtf to do. I am highly emotional right now and I need a butt ton of prayers, because if this don't work out with him, I AM NEVER DATING AGAIN, man or woman. I have trust factors for a reason.

Emotional

I have been looking at a lot of peoples profiles and I am so emotional over how good they have it. I feel like my life has been horrible. It seriously went down hill when I divorced my first husband and then married my second one. I wonder how my life would have been if I wouldn't have gotten remarried like I swore that I wasn't going to do. This man I had lost my virginity to when I was 13 and then he raped me whenever I was 16 and I just let it go. Then in 2006 we became reaquainted and I told him how I despized him and hated him for forcing me to have sex with him and then threatening to kill me if I ever told anyone.

He appoligized and cried and everything and I fell for the shit. I forgave a rapist and then married him. WTH was I thinking? After we got married he told me that he had been in prison previously for breaking and entering and some other shit and then I found out that he was going to jail. After, he got out of jail he done numerous things that were illegal. I told him to stop while he was ahead and so on and so forth, but he didn't listen and I didn't turn him in for the things that he done. I then ended up in jail because he told the attorney that I knew all about his wrongful doings. After a year or more fighting to get by with probation, something else come up that they blamed me for that was Jason's doing, but they couldn't blame him because he was in jail at the time it happened and I was out and about. That resulted me going to prison on July 12, 2008. After I got out, I got a divorce from him, he didn't want a divorce so I had to go through every procedure possible to get him to sign it. His mom told him that if he didn't sign that I couldn't get a divorce from him. WTH?!?!?! Wrong!!! I went to court a 20 days from the date that I got out of prison and got the judge ordered divorce. Why do I forgive such unforgiveable things? I am a horrible ass person. I feel like everything that is going wrong in my life I truly deserve.

I don't deserve a normal life. I don't deserve my new husband of a little over 2 years now. I don't really deserve to live. I can't ever do anything right. Seems like a lot of people lie to me, just to see how much they can get away with or how gullable I am. I am so ready to end my life. It really feels like I honestly have nobody. Craig goes to work, comes home, eats, plays on the computer, goes to bed, wakes up, takes a shower, gets dressed, and leaves for work. My kids won't be here until next week, Father's Day is Sunday and I want to be able to see my dad and I don't know if I will even get to do that. I was going to get him a card, but I will probably end up printing one off the net and giving it to him.

I am just so much in a mess anymore. It really feels like I have nobody. When people msg me online, I do respond and it is like the conversation literally goes nowhere, one of us shuts up and the convo is gone. I know I am opinionated, I was born this way. I want my fucking life back. I want to be able to be myself again. I get so depressed when my kids aren't here. I have no company anymore, and since Craig pretty much works all the time, I have no way of going and visiting anyone.

I have so many sores on me anymore it is pitiful. I have to wear these stupid fucking adult briefs that cause me to itch when I sweat, and when I itch I scratch and since I have been cutting my nails off, I am literally scratching so hard that I am rubbing my skin raw, which in returns dries up to the pull up and when I go to use the bathroom, I am pulling it off of my skin which in return causes sores. I have to be pretty much sore free when I go into the dr on the 5th and into surgery on the 11th.

My blood pressure has been high these last few nights and my sugar has been acting up and I dunno wtf is going on. I am just tired. I want someone to talk to. If I am left very much more by myself, it is going to result in more problems and cuts/sores.

Wanting To Scream!!!

I post to communities and I ask for advice and once again I am bashed for saying I was asking for advice and not to bash me and so on and so forth. WTH!?!?! I was told that me telling people not to bash me won't make me any friends in the community. Well let me fucking tell you something, when I am asking for ADVICE about something, I am not there to make fucking friends, I am there to get help about things, you moron!!!!

I ask advice because 9/10 I am the one giving it to everyone because they always come to me seeking help or advice. I don't BASH people for it. I posted to a community board about dogs and I was told that I am not doing what is in the best interest for my dog, wtf? I was asking how the hell I can keep her from pee'ing on the furniture. She didn't start doing that until she became pregnant and she waits till we go to bed to do it. She also only does it when we get onto her. How is crating her in her best interest?

This person more or less said that my dogs retaliation is a physical issue and that she must be taken to the vet immediately. I then in return told her, I am not a rich bitch and just because my dog might sneeze like yours does not mean that she has something wrong with her. WTH!?!?!


Now I see wth, I don't get a long with some people. People that post shit to make you look horrible has some major issues and in return just pisses people off. If dog communities just want to get rid of my ass for deleting posts or banning stupid people from reading my shit, then go right on ahead. I have a life (not much of one) and I can make up my own community whenever I feel like it. When I ask for advice, I am asking for just that. I know everyone is entitled to their opinion, but there is a line between advice and bashing you because you are poor...

So Frustrated!!

Who the hell does some people think that they are? When someone asks you for advice that does not mean bash them especially when you don't know their situation. People are bringing up old topics from awhile back and they are inboxing me about their concerns or with their not needed advice or bashing anymore. I think that I am going to start changing my settings to where my stuff isn't public and that you have to be my friend before you can talk to me. I do feel very excited that a few people has added me to their friends list. I feel very excited about it.

I know that I have my bitching sessions on here. My husband finally got to talk to his children after a few days of his non stop texting and calling. My kids are in Branson with their father for the week so it sucks not having kids here or my husband not here. I feel like I am always left out of the loop. My insomnia is horrible anymore. I have had insomnia for quite a few years and everytime I go to sleep someone either calls, texts, or comes to the door. My husband works constantly and I understand that he is tired when he comes home, but he like never spends time with me anymore. I just really would like to have people to talk to.

Up and At Em....lol

I dunno what is going on with me anymore. I really truly believe I am a diabetic, but out of all the blood work I have had done, not one person has told me that is what I have. Last night, I got to feeling really freaky, I was having hot and cold flashes really bad and then I kept feeling like I was going to pass out and I was feeling nauseated. I could barely stand because the room felt like it was spinning and I really felt like I was going to hit the floor. I knew it was one of two things, either it was my bp up or it was my sugar being down, but I don't have a glucometer so I couldn't figure out anything about my sugar level.

I then decided to take my bp (best thing i spent my money on) and my bp was 150/90 which is a lot higher than what it normally was. So I fell asleep for a few hours in here in the chair in the front room, hubby said he wasn't going to move until I woke up. I then woke up about 11 and he asked me how I was feeling. I told him a little better, I then got up to go to the bathroom and the nausea and light headedness hit me again. I then almost fell over. I hurried and done my business and I went to bed with Craig. I laid there for a good hour and then I started shaking really bad along with the nausea and feeling like I was going to pass out.

I rolled over and kissed Craig and told him that I was going to come in here and drink me some orange juice (which I am allergic too, but also know it is good for those that have diabetes). I drank what we had left of it and about 15 mins after I drank it, I feel fine. Now I am tired as hell, but at the same time, Craig will be up in about 2 hours to go to work at the hospital. I want him to get some much needed sleep. Anyways, that is all that I can post about right now. I am sure I will post more later on.

Bored

I am so bored right now. It seems like my husband is ALWAYS working anymore. So much has happened to me lately and I am about to go crazy. I have been on a cleaning spree for the past 2 days, bleaching down everything!! A lot of people have asked me if I was "nesting". WTH people, I am not pregnant!!! I am just tired of this place looking the way that it does. Our puppy I am about so ready to get rid of her. I love her to death and I finally got her to quit using the carpet as a bathroom. She will go on the linoleum now. I just sit here at home anymore, because apparently I don't have a life. Hubby works almost every day. He works 2 jobs. I am not working because I can't. I am in excruciating pain lately from over doing it with my back.

I went to the dr the other day and he said I have aquired disk displacia, whatever the hell that is. I have another back surgery scheduled for July 11th (7/11). I have to be there at 5:30 in the morning and my surgery is supposed to be at 7 that morning. That is the earliest I have ever been scheduled. I wish my immune system wasn't all screwed up. This time I am going to wear a pull up and I am going to act like I forgot all about wearing it. They can easily cut it or pull it down compared to panties. The iv they stick me on makes me want to pee constantly so just in case I am leaving a pull up on to catch it all since I am incontinent. I hope and pray this surgery fixes everything that is numb on me. I want all my feeling back. Well, I guess I have gripped enough. Imma find something on tv to watch as usual.

More Followers

How in the world can I get more followers? I mean I know that my life is boring, but I do have a lot of good points. I just wish that I could have people ask me questions and me give like free therapy. I give open and honest advice and I have been there and done that in a lot of senses. Anyone interested? Post questions to me and I will be sure to respond to your questions in a lengthy blog. :)

Tired and Bored

Well, Wed we got Craigs boys. I love to have them around but they drive me nuts with back talking and doing wtf they want to do, regardless of the consequences. I always get them broke from it during the summer months but when they go back to their mom's all hell breaks loose again. OMG, we have a great landlord. He is letting us catch up on our missed rent. I am so proud of Craigs first paycheck. It was awesome. The other check was only 10 bucks, because cs come out of it. We got most of our bills caught up. When I get my school money I will have our rent caught up. OMG, I went to go take a shower earlier and I killed two brown recluse's. I was tripping out because the kids kept talking about spiders which we have daddy long legs in here every so often and I thought that is what they were talking about, but NO, it was brown recluse's. I started freaking out. I of course killed them, but I need to find out how to not have them in here in the house. Hubby will get off work about 5 ish and I can't wait. :)

Well, my cousin just called and I have lost my train of thought. I will have to type later.

Grrrr

I am so at my fucking witz end with everything!!!! Someone stole my bi polar and psych meds and the dr refused to let me get on a plan that pays for them. I can't afford 400 plus dollars a month anymore for fucking meds ppl!!! WTF is wrong with me, well hell I know, I can't stand people who do stupid shit like this to me. Hubby's boys are out of school and he talked to his ex cunt and asked her if he could get them for the 6 weeks that he is supposed to have them (which he may have them longer now). She said sure, if you drive all the way to come get them. Hubby won't get paid until Thursday and the fucking bitch has a car and a job, so wtf is wrong with her meeting us halfway like she always did? She is a lazy ass fucking hoe that I wish would just die so we can have the kids 24-7.

We drove almost every time all the way to fucking Ft. Smith when her sorry ass lived there and when she moved to Imboden we would drive all the way there because of her lying ass, and we have drove all the way to Pokie (Pocahontas) several fucking times and now she wants us to do it again. She has came all the way here, just 1 fucking time!!! Per the decree she is supposed to meet halfway!!! Per child support, he drives all the way to get them, and she drives all the way to pick them up. I guess that is what we will have to do, since a friend is offering to loan hubby and I the money to go and get them. We are going to drive all the way to get them and her sorry ass is going to drive all the way to pick them up. Sounds like a great deal to me now. Okay, on another note. My sister is coming home from Mexico. She should be in LR within the next hour or so. I have been cleaning this house like crazy!!! I still feel like I am a fucking Hoarder though.

I know I shouldn't feel that way at all, but I do. I downsized from a huge 3 bdrm 1 1/2 bath home to a friggin 2 bdrm 1 bath trailer. So I left a lot of shit behind, but at the same time, I still have a shit load. I am trying really hard to sell things to get some money and get rid of things. Nothing seems to be working as I planned. I am going to try to get this front room cleaned up as good as I can. I have dishes going in the dishwasher right now. Ugh, when will all of this crap end? I have to get the kids' bedroom squared away some how due to the fact the boys need their room. I still have to steam clean floors because of the dogs pissing on the carpet yet again. I need a steam cleaner that has the detachable hose for furniture as well.

When our ex room mate lived here and slept on the couch, we have some big stains on my sofa now which pissed me the fuck off. I can't handle much anymore. I am definently not going to let anyone move in and lie to me the way that this person did. Lied about not having money, lied about willing to clean, and when this person did clean, they threw a shit load of stuff that was personal away. I am already at my witz end with all this bs that is going on in my life. I am so ready to start cutting again. Without my meds, I dunno how much longer I can go without. Well, I think that I am done venting for now. I may end up venting more later on today.

Better

Well, I just love when I am lied to. I am not going to go into detail about anything, but people seem to love to lie to me and then later on admit the truth or say something else the contradicts what I was originally told. I might have a bad memory when it comes to paying attention and trying to repeat what I was told, but it is another when I care about the person(s), when I care it makes it a lot more personal and I try to install things into my brain which in return makes me remember wtf is going on. I can't put up with liars, cheaters, and lazy ass mother fuckers that pretend they are one person and then the true side comes out in the end.

OMG, I found a new phone that I want. It is the LG VU (Pulse) phone and it is awesome looking. After we pay our bill, I can upgrade to that phone and get it for free. That is awesome!!! I am going to give my phone to hubby so he can have a better phone than the one he has. There is just something about the iphone that drives me nuts and it is called push screen to text. I hate not being able to text that well at all. So, I wanted a touch screen phone with a slider keyboard that way it is easier for me to text since I do a lot more of texting than I do of calling. It also has expandable memory which is effin awesome. Craig has been working a lot and on Tuesday nights it is going to be crazy!!!! He will be gone from 4pm to 6 am. I dunno what I am going to do really. I told him that I am most definently going to take me a sleeping pill. I finally took me some benadryl last night to conk my ass out. I slept so good it was just wonderful to actually have sleep after a few days. I took 2 benadryl 30 mins ago, and they are just now starting to kick in. My sores are getting awful. I get one sore and it is the typical ordeal, go through the process to heal the son of a gun up and cover it with a band aid, take the band aid off because it is itching in return rips my skin and leaves yet another sore. I am so weak anymore. My immune system is horrible and I believe it is from all the meds that I take which do weaken your immune system the longer you take them.

The financial program called me either Thursday or Friday and my pcp is supposed to fill out the paper work and send it in so I can get my meds free of charge which would be effin awesome if I can get them, but it all depends on him. I got bills out the wahzoo. I got a freaking bill from my back surgeon which is bs, he ain't charged me before so ytf is he going to charge me now, not to mention a bill from the hospital, a bill from my pcp, I got a letter from my attorney stating that on March 18, 2011 they filed for a court date and it is going to take 18-24 months to get one. I am about ready to give up on ss. I am doing everything possible, but it seems like I am so wore thin that I can't handle much more. *sighs* My life seems like it isn't worth anything anymore, if it werent for my boys, I would probably already be dead and gone. I am at my witz end anymore, I want to throw in the towel and say fuck it. I just need something to do to keep my mind off of things. I wish that I had some white pillow cases or something so I can embroider and stuff like I used to do. I can say in jail at least they let me sew blankets together to let me bypass my time. Caroline and I would be let out (since I was a liability to be left alone) early of a morning and we would clean, smoke, clean some more, smoke some more, sit and enjoy the air, sew the blankets together, help out when needed, and then we would be put back in the pod where we would color, read, watch tv, shower, sleep, whatever.

People that go to jail for non violent crimes aren't bad people, they just made a mistake, took a wrong turn, and need to be guided back to the right roads in their life to follow. I am thinking about once I get done with my college on going for my psychology degree or being an online counselor of some sort. That would be a good job for me because of my back, basically sitting on my booty behind a desk listening and giving advice. Hell, I basically do that shit for free so why not get paid for it? I can imagine doing that then coming on and providing services free of charge online or something to that nature. I am so glad that Craig has a second job and he actually loves it. *sighs again* It just sucks that I can't work right now and I really don't feel like letting him take care of me. I just wish that ss will just say Leslie needs it worse than what we thought and she is staying constant with dr visits and therapist appointments, so lets give her a break and approve her. I don't care if I don't get back pay, I would just love to have a check every month. I am tired of bills being behind and shit getting cut off or way past due because of it. My school money doesn't post as often as it used to, so I get it like 1 time every 3 or 4 months, unfortunantly, not in one lump sum. Sometimes it is enough to pay all the bills up and sometimes it isn't. Well, I think that I have blogged a book. I think, I am going to surf the net for a little while and then I am going to lay down and go to bed. Hopefully, Tremors 2 is going to go off soon, so hubby can come lay down beside me. I hope you all had fun reading about my boring ass life. Have a great day/night!!!!



PS
I wish I could get paid for every paragraph that I type while blogging.... *haha* I would make some money then. :)

Going Crazy

I dunno, what is going on anymore. I can go to sleep and I always seem to wake up about 2-4 hours later. I am about to go crazy. I thought last night I could actually sleep and low and behold, I hear this weird noise and Craig started making this gasping noise, and then all of a sudden he quit and stopped breathing. It freaked the hell out of me. Then whenever I started to nudge him he started breathing again. I finally fell asleep for 2 hrs and I heard something that woke me up and startled me and the next thing I know the dogs are barking at nothing. I dunno what is going on, am I haunted again? All the ghosts are coming back or something and it really drives me nuts. Well, I am going to get off of here and try to go to sleep before to long. I just realized how late it is. I am going to take me a few benadryl and see if I can't conk out.

Oy Vay

It seems like if it ain't one thing going on it is another. Last night after I blogged, it turned out that I dozed off for maybe 10 mins and I woke up to the sound of someone beside my bed standing over me, I opened my eyes and I seen my computer desk being pushed back away from the bed. I really freaked out, I turned over and covered my head. About an three hours ago the dogs and I were all hearing something, so I got the dogs riled up and the noises and stuff finally went away. All of the dogs were looking toward the same spot barking. Then not even 20 mins ago, I heard like a guy in the kitchen crying. I was like wtf. I want to turn on the recorder but at the same time, I am to afraid too. I just dunno anymore on what is going on. Anyways, I dunno what else to say.

Tripping

Well, so much has happened this week. Craig got two new jobs, and the one for walmart he had to turn down because he got his security job where he works 4 nights a week and is on call when they need him. I have been hearing and seeing a lot of things, and I am not the only one. The other night, I kept hearing a guy humming, I was in the bathroom when I first heard it and I just thought it was the radio because it is just on the other side of the wall from where I was. I asked Craig if it was him and he asked me what I was talking about, I told him nevermind. When I came back into the bedroom, I started to tell him what I had heard and I then heard it again. I asked him if he heard the man humming and he said no and asked me if I still heard it. I told him yes, but it was fading out. Then I looked toward the tv and plain as day seen a shadowy figure that looked like a man crouching down staring at me, I told Craig about it, but he said he don't remember me telling him that. Later on that night when I "fell asleep" I dreamed that I was wide awake and being choked. I could feel it clearly. I was even slipping in and out of consciousness. It was really tripping me out. Then I somehow woke up or came too and I noticed the figure wasn't there anymore and that only 30 mins had elapsed from when I closed my eyes, so who's to say I wasn't awake to begin with when all of this happened.

The next morning I got up and went to the bathroom and Craig asked me if I was ok. I told him yes, and asked him why, he said I heard a woman crying and thought it was you. I said it wasn't me. Not even 5 mins later, he said, Leslie, what are you laughing at? I said wtf are you talking about, I am not laughing at all, why would I be. I came into the bedroom and he said Leslie, I could have swore it was you, and he asked me if I was pulling his leg. I said no, I promise I am not pulling your leg. I said remember last night when I told you I heard a man humming and all that stuff, he said, no I don't remember that. So I told him.

Then tonight, I came to bed, it was hotter than hell in here to me and Craig was freezing to death. I swear I heard someone in the bathroom, so I looked that way and at the same time I looked at exactly 4:44am hubby's work clothes and the door moved like someone had ran into them walking in or out of the room. It really tripped the hell out of me. I asked Craig if he seen that, but of course he is sound asleep. I will end up telling him about it or him reading it tomorrow.

The dogs have been acting strange these last few days as well. I also found out Wed, that I have a staph infection and I have to be treated for it, so I am doing all of that crap. I have also been having episodes where I am blacking out or passing out. That has been basically going on since I came home from Texas. Tonight, I got all light headed and stuff and couldn't figure out for the life of me what is going on, so I took my bp (blood pressure) and it had dropped from abnormal to a normal bp. I was shocked and was wondering why in the world would I feel like I am going to pass out when my bp jumps from high to normal. I haven't smoked any cigs for damn near 3 weeks now. Everytime I think about them, I get sick, or nauseated. That is a good thing, as long as it keeps happening I won't start smoking again. I can't say I haven't craved them, but once I crave long enough and not follow through the sicker I feel. Neil told me the other day when he was over he wished that he could do like I did and just up and quit one day. I told him that I believe smoking was the cause of a lot of my problems.

I hope and pray that I get to hear from ss saying that I have been approved, I can really use the money right now, the way that I am behind on bills and all. They will only let me extend out for so long before they start  saying we have gave you enough breaks already. We have never went past an extension date as of yet. Anyways, time for me to go pee and then go to bed. Craig got off of work at 1 this morning and finally went to bed about 10 mins ago, so since this monitor is so big and bright, it is time for me to post and go to bed myself. I hope all has a great night/day!!! Good night everyone!!

Today so far.....

Well, Craig, got his call at 9 am for the security job. I am so excited for him!!!! I know he was really wanting it. 44 hrs a week you can't beat that. He likes it, so I am sure he will stick with it. :) He's finishing his paperwork and getting his uniforms. My back is still killing me from it popping, it feels like something is bulging out of my back. I went to go lay on my back earlier and it felt like my whole back was going to pop so I had to turn over. I am getting a little upset that my friend Taiera hasn't wrote me back yet. I dunno what is going on. I hope and pray that I didn't say something in the letter and make them say oh hell no, she can't get it.

I am about ready for tonight. Kim is staying the night with me tonight, hopefully no plans will change. I have banned the dogs from the bedroom because one of them pissed on my bed so I have to wash my bed sheets yet again. Craig is still broke out really bad from the Chuck E outfit. It seems like it is getting worse but then again it looks like it is getting better in some spots. I had the bright idea of dousing him in wintergreen alcohol last night and this morning. It has cleared up some, but hell some is better than what it was looking like. Anyways, I have sat up way to long, it is time for me to rest my back. Pain meds aren't even helping it right now which is really sucky. I will blog later.

Pains

I dunno what the f is going on with me lately. I have been hurting and it is like nothing will subside the pain and all day today my back has been popping in the upper part of my back, it hurt and felt good at the same time, well when hubby was in here about 1:30 am I barely moved and my lower back popped a little bit. It felt great. Well at 2 am, I decided to raise up and get on my computer and my back popped very loudly and badly. I had excruciating pain shooting down both hips and legs as well as my left arm has been tingling and then it just went down my left hip and leg and my left arm is tingling very badly and it still is and it is 2:24 am.

I told Craig that if it doesn't get any better I may have to go to the ER.  I am just noting this for future reference. I am going to try and get up and go to the potty and then I am going to try and get some sleep.

Going Crazy

So much has been going on in my life that it has been crazy. My dad and I got into it Friday night because he was canceling Mother's Day for us. I called him and we started arguing and stuff and he brought up that my sister and I act like nobody else has problems in their lives and bs like that and it really frustrated me. I know everyone has problems, some a lot worse than others. My dad acted like I was trying to get money or something from him, which I have only asked from him one time my entire life and that was to finish paying for my divorce from my second husband. I got school money finally and I paid all the bills and Craig got pissed off at me, because it gave me enough money to pay for my meds.

I would rather pay bills than do without electricity, phone, and internet. Craig should find out about this other job that he has tomorrow and hopefully he will hear about the one that he is supposed to have on the weekends. That would be so perfect for him to be working them. I hope and pray that I get my ss disability like asap. I really need it, because I want the heck out of here. I have been wanting to cut so bad lately. I have been so frigging stressed out it is pitiful. I haven't cut so I guess that is the plus about it. I had a cut on the back of my thigh that I knew nothing about and hubby pointed it out after I showered so we bought some medicated band aids to put over it that is latex free, well it was itching my like crazy and hubby took it off of me and it ripped the hell out of my skin so it bled like crazy which made me have to frigging doctor it up some more.

I should get my results tomorrow from my doctor appointment tomorrow, hopefully I am cleared so that I can reschedule my back surgery. I am ready to have it and get it over with. Well, since today is Mother's Day, my dad called me last night and said that the bbq was back on. I thought it was awesome then I found out my kids where back at their dads so I got to see them today as well. My day has been truly blessed and awesome. :) My niece and nephew was a riot and it was just frigging awesome watching all the kids play. My mom got to see what I have been talking about with my paralyzed foot and mom and dad and my sister got to see how it is when I just get unstable and almost fall. I felt bad because my dad started making fun of me saying the house didn't shift and that I did. I said I know, but my left leg gets so tired of doing all the work that it gives out and it almost puts me on the ground. Well, I guess that is enough about me blogging. I will blog tomorrow after I get my results and appointment. I hope everyone has a GREAT MOTHER'S DAY!!!

Mother's Day Cards

I got my sister and mother some mother's day cards and I am going to type what they say on here so I will never forget.

My Sisters Says:
Dear Sister,
I was thinking about you today and, as always, that made me very happy. I remembered so many of our wonderful talks and all the things we've shared, and I just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me and how glad I am that you're part of my life.....

Inside it Reads:
You're the best sister anyone could ever have and I hope you're very happy too on Mother's Day and every day!!!


I put a personalized note on it as well.





Moms Card Reads:

From the two of us, Mom
There are many words to describe a mom but one word will do, a mom is love


The inside says:
To tell you that you're very dear to both of us, and to wish you all the joys of a wonderful Mother's Day. Enjoy


It has a personalized message with it as well.

This Week

I have been through so much crap this past week it ain't even funny. I called my nuerosurgeon and asked if I could reschedule and it turns out that I am not able to reschedule until my pcp (primary care physician) clears me of staph and MRSA so that I can reschedule. So, I had to make a dr's appt for Wed and I went to my pcp to get the tests ran and I have to wait until Monday for the results. Then I had therapy yesterday and I found out that my therapist is friggin 8 months pregnant almost. I was like wtf? How in the hell did I miss that? I have been going to see here for a few months now. She is just a little bit chubby, but that is it. She doesn't have a round belly or anything to that nature, so how was I supposed to know that she is pregnant. Lol. This is her first and she is having a little boy. I think that is so adorable. I told her boys are great to have for your first. :) I told her I went from having 2 of them to having 4 when I got married.

I am glad my therapist finally got my records in from Newport. It took them a long fucking time to get my records and that took me snapping at fucking Newport over that bs. I am out of my bi-polar meds which sucks ass, so I have been a bitch lately. I have to have 4 visits with this therapist before she will make a dr appt to get my meds. It is fucking crazy!!! Craig is getting the worse end of it. Oh, speaking of Craig, we went to subway the other day and they got his sandwhich wrong and he took that shit out on me and he threatened to beat the hell out of me right in the middle of WAL-MART, I mean wtf?!?! I grabbed my wallet and walked the fuck out. I put up with shit like that from my first husband and I told Craig before we even got married that I am not going to put up with that shit from any man. So, I went out in the car and I left, about 30 mins to an hour Craig found out where I parked the car and then he yelled at me and so on and so forth and then he got over it and appologized. I told him that I had warned him and that was me warning him that, that will never happen again or I am gone for good.

Ok, on another note I went to my nephew, Aisea's graduation last night. It was awesome. He was jumping up and down because he had to go potty. He held it for a long time, I am so proud of him. I won't be able to get my boys for Mother's Day, because their daddy has them in Batesville still. They aren't allowed at Jacksonport just yet and it is driving me nuts. I miss my kids and I can't call to check on them or talk to them because their dad gets pissy about his phone mins. We got a new puppy yesterday, we named her Precious, she is a siberian husky mix. She is so adorable and sweet. She will be 7 weeks old tomorrow (Saturday). She has one blue eye and one brown eye. I will have to take pics of her. I will be going to mom and dads on Sunday for Mother's Day. I got my sis and my mom a mother's day card a piece and I bet they will cry when they read them. My sister started crying when she seen how much pain I was in sitting through my nephews graduation. I was hurting so bad and holding back so many tears, but I finally made it through. I have a feeling if this pain keeps up I am going to have to up my meds which I definently don't want to do. Wednesday was Kimi's birthday. I forgot how old she is, but the only present she got from family was a niece, which is awesome. I took her out to eat, got her a birthday card, and bought her a tinkerbell balloon. She loves tinkerbell. She couldn't thank me enough for all of that. She is supposed to be having a birthday party tonight, but I honestly don't see that happening.

Anyways, I think that is enough about me. I will try to blog more and update everyone on everything. Happy Mother's Day to everyone!!!

Updates On Me

Ugh, I have been needing to blog for the past week. My life has been so hectic it is pathetic. I just feel so drained anymore. Why the hell do Tyler Perry movies always get to me? I am ready to toss all these dogs outside and shove a sock in the guys mouths. Jacksonport got evacuated so Victor are taken my boys to Amy's parents house, I don't approve of it at all and I am gonna get my kids one way or the fucking other. Lord, I mean this crap is really irritating me. I have been in a pissy mood for the past few days. Anyways, here is an update.

Sunday the 24th we drove all the way to Killeen, TX to get Jayme and we got back home Monday the 25th at about 10 am. I was swollen so bad that my legs were draining, it was pitiful and horrible. I drove more than halfway there and back. I wasn't supposed to, but I did. I about passed out a few times. Grandma protected us through it all. She let the storms bypass us or us bypass the storms. We heard all about tornadoes but thank the Lord we didn't run into any storms at all. It didn't start raining until we were home for good. Wednesday I went to go and have back surgery and they got me in there and prepped me and everything and I woke up suffocating from the tube that they had down my throat. They had the cover over my hand and as I was trying to signal to them that I couldn't breathe, I was finally able to move my hand and when I did the tape caught onto the cover and came out of my hand and they tried saying that I ripped it out, which I know for a fact that I didn't. Also, I am wondering why my breasts where exposed. That I don't understand at all. I felt the cold gloved hand on my bare breast. I was dirty and wet when they brought me back to the room so I had to shower and clean myself up. I felt so embarrassed over that. I called today to reschedule, I was actually able to start talking this past Saturday from the tube being down my throat. I haven't felt right since then at all. I have blacked out or passed out 2 times that I know of. I dunno if my bp is to low or my sugar is. I haven't gotten a clue. I have been trying to eat. 

I have been getting nauseated. I can literally say I have smoked 1 full cigarette since we got home on Monday. I haven't had a smoke since Thursday. My chest is still killing me and I dunno why, but I thank the Lord that no smoking has came out of the deal. The smell of it makes me sick as well. Anyways, I hope and pray that they can get me scheduled for surgery asap. My pre-screen is only good for 30 days. This time I am going to try to wear my pull up until I get to the room for surgery. I should hear something tomorrow on rescheduling. Okay, enough about that.



Well, I hope and pray that Craig's other job calls him tomorrow and tells him to start ASAP. If it wasn't for my sister we wouldn't have enough to finish paying rent or even have gas money. I really wish I could get school money. I am already failing this class because my stupid ass teacher doesn't want anything to do with me or anything, I am guessing. I have im'd here and even sent her e-mails. I was like wtf!?!?! Anyways, I am going to blog more tomorrow.

Tripping

I am about to go fucking crazy over my prescreening test and my actual surgery. I spent most the day cleaning up the bedroom and getting everything in order that needs to be in order. I have found myself not being able to sleep because I am worrying. I started freaking out because I bought a duffel bag here while back from my sister and a matching purse and for the life of me, I couldn't remember wth I had done with them. Then Craig told me to go find them and I know where it is now that I think about it, because we stuffed all the crap from the red van into it when we gave the van back to his ex wife.

I am just tripping out over all of this. I miss talking to Risa. I finally got a msg from her stating that she has the net back and to let her know when I was online and that she needed to talk to me. I have msged her a few times and no response, so I am guessing that she is in bed. I miss talking to her. I look forward to talking to her. Neil is actually at his grandma's house and I told him that I would see him Monday, but I give him until like 11 am and he will be msging my phone asking me or us to come get him. He is crazy like that.

I have my bedroom pretty much spotless. Everything has a place and I have a huge open space in my bedroom floor. It WILL stay that way that way I don't have to worry about tripping over anything walking to and from the bathroom to the bed. I know my computer will be in there. I told Craig that we can bring the smaller laptop to the hospital due to the fact I found the case to it. I haven't gotten a case for this laptop as of yet. I am just hoping and praying that everything works out for the better. I hope and pray that this surgery fixes me. I could careless about the feeling in the leg, I just want to stop pee'ing on myself and pooping on myself and not being able to feel my private parts. I pray to God that all my feeling comes back in those areas. I hope and pray that I get my disability. I am just worrying over so much crap and it is driving me insane.

I am going to be getting my duffel bag later on so I can pack it and get it out of the way for the hospital. I liked the fact my first surgery was sprung on me, but I don't like the feeling that I am preparing myself for the second one. I am not mentally ready and I am probably not going to be mentally ready. I have 9 days and a wake up. My surgery is scheduled for 7 am. I hope they take their time and they have everything ready for me, decals and everything. I really hope they put something back in the place they do the surgery. I know I will still have more surgeries after this coming one, but at least I can literally say, I will make the surgery for sooner rather than later. Anyways, I am going to get off of here and smoke my last cigarette. Hope you all have a great night. I am going to try after I snooze.

Stressing

I am stressing to the max about my surgery. I seen the doctor yesterday and he said that my blood pressure is boarder line and that if it keeps being that high the next few times that I come in there that he is going to have to put me on blood pressure medication. He said I am young to be on it, but the older I get, the higher that it will be.

I got my streaks bleached yesterday so that I can put my blue back in my hair. I am not sure what color blue yet. I think I am going to put in a baby blue. That is just me though. I finally got to talk to my girl yesterday, I have been worried about her because I hadn't really gotten to talk to her in a few days. I dunno why, but it is like my day gets thrown out of whack when I don't get to talk to her.

Craig got called into work early today which is awesome. He is actually getting more than 10 hrs this week. Makes him and I feel a little bit better knowing that. I had posted on fb the other day about 3 adults in the house and the one that had back surgery is the one constantly cleaning and low and behold they start cleaning the kitchen and stuff. I thought it was funny last night that the fire department came out here because someone smelled smoke and Craig was burning leaves. He got a paper that states the ordinances for the city of Jonesboro on it. So we are good to go from there now. They didn't see nothing wrong with the fire so he didn't have to put it out or nothing right then. He just had to have it put out by the time that he goes to bed.

I just tried calling my dad and now I am a little leary about him. He hasn't answered and he hasn't called me back yet and that isn't like him. I hope I don't start all out freaking out because I can't physically do anything about it. I am hoping that he is just in the bathroom or just in the back room where he don't hear his phone. I need to check with him and see what the doctor said about his tendons in his foot.

I finally got a hold of my daddy. He was in the back washing clothes. I told him that I was worried about him. He was trying to call me back when I was trying to call him. Anyways, I am going to talk to my dad. I will type more later.

Fun, Oh, Fun

Well, this is going to be a fun filled month for me, not!!!! I had my therapy appointment which helped me out quite a lot and my assignment I have to do is for my thinking process which has to be done by the 5th of May. I may schedule me and appointment before then, because I found out today that I have to have back surgery again. My back surgery is scheduled for the 27th. I scheduled it for 3 weeks from Wed, due to the fact, I have a few cuts and stuff that I am wanting to heal up.

I cut my wrists a few days ago. I haven't cut in awhile, but I just got so overwhelmed with things that I just really wanted that pain to go away. I tried talking to Neil, but he put the headphones on and started listening to music and tuned me out and I called Craig to try and talk to him, and he said he didn't feel like talking on the phone because he was tired. I felt so overwhelmed, but nobody realized that I really tried. I haven't cut in awhile, but I just couldn't help it at all.

Not many people know that I am a cutter and that is an addiction to me, but unless they have been there, they will never know how it is. I have really been trying not to cut or anything, but it was just one of those times that I just couldn't keep from it. Today has been a hectic day due to the fact of finding out that I have to have back surgery again in the exact same place as before. He may make the incision bigger or longer, but I dunno yet until it gets done.

Hopefully now I will definently get my disability. This is my 2nd back surgery in 7 months. It is very crazy to find this shit out. Anyways, I may have to make another appointment with my therapist before hand, but I dunno really. Anyways, enough venting for now. I am about to go to bed. Bye for now.

Tired

I am just so sick and tired of things that it isn't even funny anymore. I feel like I am constantly being used. I talk to my girl, Risa, and she is open and honest with me and I am happy about that. Not many people like to "tell it like it is" and I do that and I am happy that I have someone in my life to tell me the same thing. I hope she don't think I get mad at her when she tells me these things, because I def don't get mad at her at all.

I love Craig to death, but yet again nothing is changing. I asked him to do 1 simple thing, clean out the ferret cage, all he had to do was scoop the poop in a bag and add more litter, but nope, he couldn't even do that. He told me that he would do it tonight, but I ended up doing it yet again. I am tired of all the false promises from him and everyone else that gives them to me. I am just getting so sick and tired of being used and abused. I can't wait until I am able to get out and about by myself.

We were supposed to be getting a van from my friend, Sara, but no, she told me at 1 something this morning that it was already sold, so I am waiting to see if her story she told me pans out or not. I am not someone that can just be lied to, I hate when people think that they can lie to me and me not find out. I have already caught one "friend" lying to me and I won't put up with that shit any at all.

I sat in this fucking front room last night cleaning up trash out of the floor that Craig thinks is so funny that the dogs chew up. He doesn't do a damn thing around this house at all and I am so sick and tired of it. I have every right to complain. He had the balls to say one day, you used to keep a clean house, what happened? I flat out looked at him and said, you moved in. He has had his ass pampered and he is 31 years old, but I can't fucking take it anymore. DO SOMETHING AROUND THE HOUSE FOR FUCKING ONCE!!!! I am tired of the clutter and the smells. If it wasn't for me, we would have probably done been kicked out. I am slowly but surely getting things cleaned up, but my gosh, why does it have to be all me? He says he works, whoopie fucking doo!!!! You work part-time, what do you do the rest of the time? You sit at home playing your fucking game!!!!

I am fed up, fed up, fed up, fed up, fed up. I have so much shit that I am going through already, but I can only be stretched so much farther. I am not a maid, if I was I would be making some damn good money doing the shit that I do around here, instead of doing it for fucking free. There is fixing to be 3 people living in this place and I be damned if all 3 of us aren't going to pitch in and help keep this place clean. Neil done has been helping and at least he offers, but Craig on the other hand, sits back and hasn't even bothered.

In the last 2 days, I have almost fell 10 times, but I don't think really anyone cares but me. My spasms are getting worse and whatever I tell Craig goes through 1 ear and out the other, it doesn't stop any at all. I am actually tempted to pack some of my shit and leave for the weekend. I dunno where I will go, nor do I give a damn, as long as it is away from here. I have had so much on my mind and I can't think or remember some of the important shit that I was supposed to do. My life is going to stay fulfilled with fucking appointments after appointments after appointments, even after I get my SSI.

When I get my SSI, I dunno if I am going to buy me another vehicle or if I am going to buy me a house. I am not sure which one that I want to do. Either way, it is going to be in MY name. I am just at my witz end and I have so much shit going through my head that it isn't even funny. Anyways, I guess I will get off of here, it seems like everytime that I type something it turns into a friggin book. :)

Depressed

I have been so depressed lately and I have been pmsing and today my vaginal numbness has really gotten me upset and depressed. It really sucks that I can't have sex nor enjoy sex or masturbation because of the no feeling in my private area. Nobody understands how it is really. I don't know if it can be fixed at all. I can handle being incontinent both ways, but I cannot handle not being able to enjoy sex.

I know sex isn't everything, but it is something that I really enjoy/enjoyed. I can handle a lot of things out of life. I can handle being treated like shit, I can am already thinned out as thin as I can be stretched. To bad that it didn't make me no skinnier. I just dunno if I can honestly do this anymore. I want to be able to have sex with my husband like I used to be able to do, and I can't do that, ain't been able to do it in like 7 or 8 months. It is just really adgetating me.

I just can't do this anymore. I wish I knew someone that had the same problem as me, or I could find a forum or something. I just really need to talk and need to know on which way to go. Anyways, I will hush up, or try to anyways.

Sick and Tired

I am so sick and tired of trying to make things work out between Craig and I. I just don't know how much longer this is going to work out. He always throws a fucking temper tantrum every time I ask him to do something.

He slams things, throws things, and gets pissy over everything and he says he loves me and stuff but his fucking game is more important than me apparently. I know that we have had a rough couple of days but I can't handle this shit anymore. The more that he does this, the closer I am getting to the door. I am so ready to pack my shit and go and he doesn't realize it.

I am already in the state of a mental breakdown and I just can't do this crap anymore. I got tired of this shit with Victor and Jason and I am not going to put up with it. Craig is turning into both of them in one package. He needs a reality check and he just don't keep getting it. I will save my money for a divorce, I am not fucked up one bit about getting a divorce anymore. I will not get remarried. I have been through so much hell with him and I am just sick and tired of everything.


Craig, please get a reality check. If you don't stop some of your childish shit, I am gone! I will be gone for good. You are pushing me out of your life and I am tired of telling you that. I hear I am going to change and all this bullshit and I haven't seen it as of yet. Wake up and smell the coffee. I love you to death and I see myself growing old with you, but the more you act like this and play your game and act like I am not here, the more you are shoving me away. Remember in the Hotel we actually had good conversations with each other and you found out stuff you didn't even know when your fucking nose wasn't in the computer screen or at work? I actually felt loved and wanted by you.


You need to change or I am going to go. It is your choice.

WTH is going on?

I have no clue as to what the hell is going on. I get woke up on Friday morning by the Landlord because someone vandalized my car and then today, I left the window open to my bedroom that is about 10 feet off the ground, when hubby and I and Joshua came home from playing at the park, the window was wedged along with shattered. I doubt anyone tried breaking in and I don't want to think anyone would stoop to that level due to the fact there are more simple windows to bust to get into.

Anyways, it looks like it might of fell down fast or something and when it got stuck possibly shattered. The screen wasn't taken off or ripped so I have ruled out someone trying to break in anyways. We tried to call the Landlord and his phone is off. We found out from the maintenance man that he is in Tunica. Well that is just fine and dandy to find out. Some things just drive me nuts. I don't know why things seem to happen to us. So now I am going to have to buy some duck tape to tape up a trash bag or something over the window to keep the air from coming in or heat going out considering it is getting colder. It just bumfuzzles the hell out of me due to the fact that window was up all night long and nothing happened then. I really dunno what to think anymore. Well, I guess I will bitch later. Bye for now.

Vandalism and Things On My Mind

Well, yesterday, I was woke up by the dogs barking and a knock at the door around 9:30 to 10:00 am. Turns out someone slashed all 4 of our tires, keyed every part of my car including the drivers side window. We got home about midnight the night before due to the fact hubby and I went to do a few things and stuff and then we came home. When we came home there was a white chevy cobalt parked in our parking spot. Hubby asked the neighbors who's vehicle it was and nobody knew and the other person he went to go ask they wouldn't open the door. Anyways, we wrote down their information because we were going to have their vehicle towed at their expense. Anyways, we got woken up the way we did and also the doors were written on in permanent marker that said Wana Play? I know where you live Bitch. First of all, I see that as a threat. I didn't know who in the world would be dumb enough to do that because I don't know a damn person around here. I keep to myself until I am fully off of paper, because you never know who has been into trouble and who hasn't, so I don't want to get myself into anything that will get me into trouble. The police officer got all our information, the information we had of the other vehicle and he made a report of everything that was done to my car. The landlord was going door to door to see if it was anyone that was visiting them around there. Low and behold it turned out that the person that I thought it was, knew who the person was and ratted them out. The guys excuse for doing it was because his tire was low and assumed that we had done something to his car because it was the side closest to our car.

 Well, as I was on my high horse yesterday, I had a few tips on how to get the writing off without messing up the paint job or fading the paint job on my car. Well, I had no way of using what I was told would be good to take the marker off, and I got to reading some of the cleaning stuff that I bought for a dollar from Wal-Mart a few months ago. I thought it would be a good cleaning solution and turns out, it says it gets tar off of vehicles, well, surely if it gets tar off vehicles it was bound to get permanent marker off as well. I sprayed it on the car, let it say for a minute, then I scrubbed it off with the rough side of my spounge and it came right off. I was so proud. Hubby was airing the tires up as I was scrubbing the words off. Well, he got all the tires aired up and we got in the car hoping and praying it would make it to walmart before the tires went flat again. We pulled off the curb  by our house and all the air seeped out of every tire. Boy was I pissed. The only option that I had was to call the insurance company to see if they had any tow trucks around here that they would pay for. Sure enough they did. Thank the Lord. Well, anyways, as we were waiting on the tow truck, the same car pulled up behind us and a guy and girl got out of it and stormed up to my car as I was fixing to get out of it and the guy snatches my door out of my hand. 

I told him he better let go of my fucking door and he backed up and Craig told him to leave. I was already pissed enough the guy was fixing to get severely hurt. Well, as he kept telling Craig he didn't do it and stuff, he started stuttering, the more he stuttered, the more he talked, the more he talked the more he started telling on himself. He goes from saying he has nothing to mess up a car with much less slash tires with to he carries a razor blade with him for work, that just happens to be the same thing Wal-mart said our tires were slashed with, not to mention it was the exact color of one of the scratch marks on my car. So, I told Craig to come on because the wrecker was already there and I didn't feel like hearing anymore bullshit and him telling off on himself. We also took the car to the body shop that the insurance company told us to go to and they said the scratches were so severe that they can consider my car totaled. Once it is considered as totaled then they will write us a check or something and us get another vehicle, but the problem with that is that they will want my car. Now if they pay for the tires and a new vehicle then it could possibly be worth it. I just dunno though. I would really like to keep my car though.

There are just a lot of things on my mind as of right now. I had a doctors appointment on Tuesday with Lichtor and he pissed me off too. I told him about my back still hurting and he didn't want to do anything about it, so I talked him into doing another MRI, which I had on Wednesday after 5 pm. I was supposed to go for the results this morning but I completely forgot since the car ordeal yesterday. I will reschedule for the results next week/this coming week. I seen Dr. Jackson told me that when I went completely numb from the waist down that they waited to late to do surgery on me. They should have done something way before they actually done it to keep from damaging the nerve completely. He said since they waited so long it is only going to heal so far and the rest will say damaged with really no hope of repairing it. He told me that I would probably be better off catheterizing myself every so many hours. I really need to do something about all this, I just dunno what to do. I do know that when I get the results from Lichtor that I am most definently going to go to a whole different hospital. I am going to get all my files from Lichtor and St. Bernards. Anyways, I really have nothing else to talk about. That is all that is on my mind as of right now.

Going Crazy

Ugh, I love craig to death but I am just sick and tired of a lot of things. He is constantly taking me for granted. I try so hard to make him happy and make sure the house is fairly clean, but it seems like no matter how hard I try and get past my pain, everything I do just goes unappreciated.

I try so hard to make this marriage work and I love him to death but I am tired of being taken for granted. He lets things pile up and everything until I do it. I am just sick and tired of being used. I understand that he works and everything, but I am the one doing the cleaning while in pain and putting up with all the bullshit from him. I want the things I do to be recognized at least the slightest bit.

I am just so tired and I want things to go right for once. I need to take before and after pictures but that probably won't do no good at all. Anyways, I have done enough venting right now, I am going to go and clean to get my mind off of things. Craig's kids are already fighting and arguing and I don't know how much more of that I can put up with or stand. I love them to death, but my word. Anyways, bye for now.

Strangeness

I have no clue as to what has been going on with me the last few days. I have been hearing voices and seeing things a lot more than normal and I just feel so drained anymore. When I wake up from the bedroom and come into the living room it is like all my energy just gets drained. I dunno what is doing it or what is going on. Craig can vouche for me sleeping more and I can be wide awake and then just be out like a light but it always seems to happen when I am in the living room.

Our trailer is pretty small and I really like it. I don't want to move but at the same time I want a bigger place. I just dunno. Something is here and I don't know what it is. Everytime I watch a ghost show of some sort I start seeing a shadow in the kitchen. Today I done an evp session when it was daylight out and it was approximately 1:30 pm and after I done a 2 1/2 min evp session and played it back I can hear a voice over mine but you can't make it out and I got some growls that really startled me. Growls represent demonic entities which I do not like the thought of at all. I have also been having strange ass dreams that I got this place blessed many many many times and the entity would not go away.

I feel that it is me. My parents think that I am a sensative which is close to a psychic, but I dunno. I just say I pick up vibes and aura's. It is just really hard to explain. The thunder and lightening has really got me up in the air tonight, normally that is more cause of paranormal activity. I have had a few more things going on with me. I am definently wanting another baby, but we just don't have the money for it. If I can get my disability, I would most definently try my best to get a loan or something. I am thinking about getting a vehicle, paying it off, and then getting a house and paying on it, and then getting a tubal reversal.

I really love Craig and I can't see myself not being with him. Him and I were picking on each other earlier and it was nice to pick on someone and them not get mad or pissed about it. Anyways, I guess I will get off of here and watch Paranormal State. Hopefully, if I feel drained again I can manage to make it in the bedroom to go to sleep.

Strange Day

Well today I had an appointment with my lawyer for disability and it was kind of strange what occurred. I had my window down and was sitting in the car and a mocking bird landed on my outside mirror and made eye contact with me and then flew off, my appointment seemed to be going pretty well. Then after my appointment hubby and I went out to eat and then we headed home. Well as we were fixing to turn onto our road a doe, walked right across the road in broad daylight without a worry in the world of anyone. I was like wow.

I wanted to be with mother nature today for some reason. It was rainy today and I just did not want to go home. I smoked my last cigarette and I actually turned down buying more cigarettes. I dunno what is going on with me. It was a weird day. I hope and pray that I get my disability. I am tired of my back hurting all the friggin time. I will have another decision within 90 days on if I am denied or approved yet again. I could really use it, since I am not able to work anymore due to my back. Hubby and I have been getting along today as well and it has been an all out good day. Anyways, I guess that is the update for now.