Why Me?

Yes, I asked that very famous question that a lot of people ask. Why me? The famous answer that some morons come up with is why not? I have a lot of mental issues, I am a paranoid, physcophrenic (sp?), that is bi-polar, with suicidal tendencies. Yes, that is what my therapist says. Also, did I mention I have a severe case of insomnia? Yes, that covers me in a literary NUTSHELL. I have had 3 hrs of sleep, if that is what you want to call it, in a little over 24 hrs. I am highly emotional.

It has been awhile since I have cut, a few months actually. I am wanting to do it again so badly that I can't stand it right now. I am overwhelmed with everything. I won't have my kids till tomorrow and I miss them like crazy. I knew on their trip to Branson that something was wrong with one of my kids and I couldn't place it. It wasn't something bad, but I knew something wasn't right. I asked my ex husband if the kids were ok, and he said yeah, they are ok, so I am like ok. Well, Thursday I knew they were coming back home from Branson, so I waited till yesterday to call since I knew it was a long trip for them to make and I knew the boys would be tired, when I called Josh answered the phone. I said, "Hey baby, how are you and bubba doing?" He said, guess what, I said what, He said I have poison ivy. I said what, how did you get it? He said on the saffari they went on at Branson.

I asked his dad last night through a msg (which I knew he wouldn't get till today) how bad of poison ivy does he have, he said not bad, then I asked him what he considered not bad, he said it is all over his back, arms, and neck. It took everything I had not to get emotional over that, it was his job to let me know, but at the same time, I have to understand that maybe he thought he didn't want to upset me, or it just showed up. I can understand that, so I let it slide, no need for an argument over something that takes days to show up in most cases anyways.

I am tired of being alone here in this house, not even in jail or prison was I allowed to be alone because of my cutting and suicidal tendencies. I have major trust issues as it is and with my hubby I have been letting the walls down because we have been married for a little over 2 years. Well, he was in the navy for 8 of the almost 9 years that he was married to his ex wife and he openly admitted to me that she cheated on him so in return he cheated on her and I have been cheated on numerous times by many men. No, I am not perfect, and I am not going to say that I haven't cheated before in my life or in my first marriage. I can say the reasoning, but it doesn't make me any less guilty for doing it. Well, my husband works 2 jobs and when he started working his first jobs he would constantly talk about these girls and it really irritated me, because they were young and skinny and some of them were pretty.

Well, last night he was talking to this girl that he works with at his second job and he was talking about how she is a Wiccan like me and that she is also bi-sexual like me. I said really, is she cute, he said no not really. I said you aren't thinking about doing anything with her are you, and he said no, she ain't cute, I wouldn't have any thoughts like that and so on and so forth. I could tell he was lying, so I stormed to the bathroom and took me a shower and broke down crying. I told him, a lot of the time that guys tell girls that their gf or wife is bi sexual that is normally an offer of a 3 some. He said, no I didn't mean it like that, and I told him that is how some women take it. He said she can have you but I don't want a 3 some. He said she is cute and all but she has a bf and I am married and not to mention she is my co-worker so I wouldn't even attempt it anyways. I am like wth, you just told me she wasn't your type or cute or anything. I don't know wth is going on. He has been a good man to me, yes we have had our ups and downs, but this past week, he has pretty much been with her the whole time they are working. What am I supposed to do? I want to believe he is faithful, but at the same time, we aren't having sex because what is the point since I can't feel it? He can and he complains about it been to tight (i know tmi), but what do you expect now being able to have sex?

I don't want this marriage to fail like my other 2 did. I am 27 years old. I know how to stand on my own two feet, well used to, but now I am paralyzed waist down pretty much, the only feeling I have is in my left leg which supports me. I dunno wtf to do. I am highly emotional right now and I need a butt ton of prayers, because if this don't work out with him, I AM NEVER DATING AGAIN, man or woman. I have trust factors for a reason.