I know that most people have this happen, but normally when I talk about dreams I have sometimes they come true and sometimes I prevent what is happening in them from happening. Mostly they come true which drives me nuts. Most of you might have read, I have 2 boys of my own, Xavier and Joshua. Well, I dreamed that I was in this wooden type/saloon type restaurant. Anyways, my son Joshua was with me, and he was following right behind my mom and the next thing I know my son is gone.
Every mothers worse nightmare right there especially. Well, I was looking everywhere and I asked the desk clerk and she said that a woman just walked out of there with a little brown haired boy wearing glasses that looked to be around 6 or 7. I tripped out and went running out. It was a skinny blonde haired woman wearing a blue jean jacket and blue jean pants. She was driving a dark blue chevy trailblazer. She really tried her best to get him in the vehicle and I yelled at her and she through josh to the ground and jumped into her trailblazer and took off. He came running and crying to me. I was crying and freaking out. I then woke up. It was a horrible dream and I hope and pray that it never happens.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
January 15, 2011
I bet people think that I am crazy for typing so much about me and complaining. The fact is I don't have anyone to talk to. I am used to having friends and a therapist to talk to, but since I moved here to Jonesboro from Tuckerman, I have pretty much lost all of my friends. There is one lady that I have met and she is cool. I would really like to meet up with her. Her and I get along really really well. I feel like I actually have someone that I can relate too. I don't get to get out of this house much at all. Hubby can easily leave and go to work.
My husband's ex wife sent me a text msg last night telling me that she got a letter in the mail stating that they issued a warrant for my husband's arrest. I was like wtf? I mean I have a lot of problems wrong with me and I am not able to make ends meat much less deal with this. My leg is keeping me from driving like I am supposed to, which really sucks donkey dick. I know that some of you have no clue as to what I am talking about, but some of the other posts tells what is pretty much wrong with me. Back injury gone wrong more or less, along with the wrong doctor operating on me, because I am not much better off that what I was before the surgery.
I have really had a lot of things on my mind and it is driving me nuts. I am hoping that I will be able to actually talk to people through here or something. I just started up this blog spot tonight, I guess you could say that I am a fairly fast learner. :) That didn't sound right, but you know what I mean. Haha. Well, it is late so I guess I better hit that sack. My husband is behind me snoring away. Hope that somebody reads this stuff that has already been in my shoes. Good night everyone.
My husband's ex wife sent me a text msg last night telling me that she got a letter in the mail stating that they issued a warrant for my husband's arrest. I was like wtf? I mean I have a lot of problems wrong with me and I am not able to make ends meat much less deal with this. My leg is keeping me from driving like I am supposed to, which really sucks donkey dick. I know that some of you have no clue as to what I am talking about, but some of the other posts tells what is pretty much wrong with me. Back injury gone wrong more or less, along with the wrong doctor operating on me, because I am not much better off that what I was before the surgery.
I have really had a lot of things on my mind and it is driving me nuts. I am hoping that I will be able to actually talk to people through here or something. I just started up this blog spot tonight, I guess you could say that I am a fairly fast learner. :) That didn't sound right, but you know what I mean. Haha. Well, it is late so I guess I better hit that sack. My husband is behind me snoring away. Hope that somebody reads this stuff that has already been in my shoes. Good night everyone.
Been Depressed
Typed on January 12, 2011
Omg, I have been so depressed all day, up until I finally took my meds. Everything bad in my life or that has went wrong in my life boggled my mind all at once and got me down and down quick. Hubby left early today and he was supposed to run a few errands and I got to thinking about him possibly cheating or getting into a car wreck or something and I had bad feelings until I actually heard back from him. Our phones have been screwing up all because they keep messing with the cell phone towers here in Jonesboro which really sucks ass.
I was telling hubby that I was sorry for being in a depressed state and everything I just had alot of things going on. I want to talk to him alot and tell him what is going on, but whenever I try to he acts all pissy and shit and I have gotten to where I am leary to even tell him anything at all. I have a hard time trusting anyone and he really knows that I have several trust issues. Simply because everyone I ever trusted has shit on me and I just got to were I didn't trust anyone. I didn't give a damn who it was, I just didn't trust anyone.
Trusting someone and doing it is so hard for me to do. I want to do it so badly, but it is the hardest thing for me to do ever again. I am so afraid that if I put trust in hubby that I will be shit on. I love him like crazy and I do not want to loose him, but I know if I don't start trusting him or having faith in him that I am going to loose him. I am trying my best. I love him so much and I can see myself growing old with him. I have just been through so much in my 27 years of life that I am not sure whether to go right or left or stay on the path that I am heading on. Anyways, I guess that is enough venting for now. That is what has been going on all day since hubby left. Now that I have my meds in me, I am doing alot better. Hope you all have a great day and if you wanna comment feel free to do so.
Omg, I have been so depressed all day, up until I finally took my meds. Everything bad in my life or that has went wrong in my life boggled my mind all at once and got me down and down quick. Hubby left early today and he was supposed to run a few errands and I got to thinking about him possibly cheating or getting into a car wreck or something and I had bad feelings until I actually heard back from him. Our phones have been screwing up all because they keep messing with the cell phone towers here in Jonesboro which really sucks ass.
I was telling hubby that I was sorry for being in a depressed state and everything I just had alot of things going on. I want to talk to him alot and tell him what is going on, but whenever I try to he acts all pissy and shit and I have gotten to where I am leary to even tell him anything at all. I have a hard time trusting anyone and he really knows that I have several trust issues. Simply because everyone I ever trusted has shit on me and I just got to were I didn't trust anyone. I didn't give a damn who it was, I just didn't trust anyone.
Trusting someone and doing it is so hard for me to do. I want to do it so badly, but it is the hardest thing for me to do ever again. I am so afraid that if I put trust in hubby that I will be shit on. I love him like crazy and I do not want to loose him, but I know if I don't start trusting him or having faith in him that I am going to loose him. I am trying my best. I love him so much and I can see myself growing old with him. I have just been through so much in my 27 years of life that I am not sure whether to go right or left or stay on the path that I am heading on. Anyways, I guess that is enough venting for now. That is what has been going on all day since hubby left. Now that I have my meds in me, I am doing alot better. Hope you all have a great day and if you wanna comment feel free to do so.
Going Crazy
Written on January 7, 2011
I swear, my ex husband is about to get all my damn nerves. My oldest son doesn't listen worth a crap and he gets that from his dad. Their dad sent them with $25 bucks a piece to buy them some boots. They bought the boots they wanted and their dad bitched at me, and I told him it was the boots they wanted, he said well if they really wanted them. Yeah, they through fits for them. I don't have much money anyways, but I got highly pissed off because Xavier's toes was poking out the end of his shoes, I got so mad over that and bought him a new pair of shoes to wear. I told Victor about it and he said yeah, I knew they were to small, but I just haven't had time to getting around to getting him some new shoes.
I was like WTF!?!?! How can you not have time to get the kids shoes when they are needed? My boys shouldn't have to wear shoes that are to small for their feet. Victor doesn't work, but he does live in a household where he doesn't have to pay any bills at all. That just drove me crazy! That can cause feet deformation and all kinds of other things to go wrong with the body as long as causing infection. Victor sent Joshua with no coat but a hoodie and sent Xavier over, as usual, with no freaking socks and a coat that is getting to small for him. I love my kids to death but they really need to come and live with me. We all went grocery shopping a little bit, so the boys got what they wanted to eat, which is always normal.
Xavier didn't cry at all about coming over and I was so happy. I love both of my boys like crazy and it tares me up for one to come over and not the other one. Joshua is an all out mommas boy, he does get upset when he don't get his way though. Anyways, I guess I have talked to much. I will post more tomorrow. :)
I swear, my ex husband is about to get all my damn nerves. My oldest son doesn't listen worth a crap and he gets that from his dad. Their dad sent them with $25 bucks a piece to buy them some boots. They bought the boots they wanted and their dad bitched at me, and I told him it was the boots they wanted, he said well if they really wanted them. Yeah, they through fits for them. I don't have much money anyways, but I got highly pissed off because Xavier's toes was poking out the end of his shoes, I got so mad over that and bought him a new pair of shoes to wear. I told Victor about it and he said yeah, I knew they were to small, but I just haven't had time to getting around to getting him some new shoes.
I was like WTF!?!?! How can you not have time to get the kids shoes when they are needed? My boys shouldn't have to wear shoes that are to small for their feet. Victor doesn't work, but he does live in a household where he doesn't have to pay any bills at all. That just drove me crazy! That can cause feet deformation and all kinds of other things to go wrong with the body as long as causing infection. Victor sent Joshua with no coat but a hoodie and sent Xavier over, as usual, with no freaking socks and a coat that is getting to small for him. I love my kids to death but they really need to come and live with me. We all went grocery shopping a little bit, so the boys got what they wanted to eat, which is always normal.
Xavier didn't cry at all about coming over and I was so happy. I love both of my boys like crazy and it tares me up for one to come over and not the other one. Joshua is an all out mommas boy, he does get upset when he don't get his way though. Anyways, I guess I have talked to much. I will post more tomorrow. :)
Ugh
Typed on January 5, 2011:
I am getting overwhelmed again. I can literally say that this time I have been able to eat a little bit of food after being sick for a few days. I always get myself down when I don't take my medicine like I am supposed to. I have had so many things going on in my head and not enough time in the day. I also got a little bit of sleep as well.
I am dog ass tired. I am a crazy person at times. I am just so starving. I don't know what is wrong with me anymore. I can't go out to eat because I get so sick. No, I am not pregnant, but I would like to know what is wrong with me. I also get sick for days on end and then I don't eat for days and then I feel perfectly fine and then start binge eating. I know my life isn't to thrilling, since I haven't taken my meds in a few days, I am like a Zombie right now, I am just not into the BRAINS, BRAINS, BRAINS. :) I am going to try and fix something to eat and maybe today I will have more of an interest.
I was actually able to call my kids today, yesterday Jonesboro had something wrong with their towers and there wasn't anyway that I could call. They are both better, they aren't sick or didn't sound that way at the time. Joshua was glad I called and Xavier actually talked to me as well. I love my boys like crazy. I can't wait till this weekend when I am able to get them again. I love my babies. I love them so much. Joshua is my momma's boy. I can't wait till this summer when they get to live with me and if they like it, they will get to stay with me and go to school. Joshua is so excited, he is momma's boy all the way. :) Well anyways, just wanted to update on that. I hope everyone has a great night.
I am getting overwhelmed again. I can literally say that this time I have been able to eat a little bit of food after being sick for a few days. I always get myself down when I don't take my medicine like I am supposed to. I have had so many things going on in my head and not enough time in the day. I also got a little bit of sleep as well.
I am dog ass tired. I am a crazy person at times. I am just so starving. I don't know what is wrong with me anymore. I can't go out to eat because I get so sick. No, I am not pregnant, but I would like to know what is wrong with me. I also get sick for days on end and then I don't eat for days and then I feel perfectly fine and then start binge eating. I know my life isn't to thrilling, since I haven't taken my meds in a few days, I am like a Zombie right now, I am just not into the BRAINS, BRAINS, BRAINS. :) I am going to try and fix something to eat and maybe today I will have more of an interest.
I was actually able to call my kids today, yesterday Jonesboro had something wrong with their towers and there wasn't anyway that I could call. They are both better, they aren't sick or didn't sound that way at the time. Joshua was glad I called and Xavier actually talked to me as well. I love my boys like crazy. I can't wait till this weekend when I am able to get them again. I love my babies. I love them so much. Joshua is my momma's boy. I can't wait till this summer when they get to live with me and if they like it, they will get to stay with me and go to school. Joshua is so excited, he is momma's boy all the way. :) Well anyways, just wanted to update on that. I hope everyone has a great night.
Wow
I wrote this on Jan. 4, 2011
It has been forever since I have been on here, I spend most of my time on facebook. Haha, who really don't anymore? I guess, I just have way to much more free time than other people do. I promise I am going to keep updating all kinds of stuff on here to get things off of my chest and out of my head. I am a little fire cracker anymore. If I get a bug up my butt, I post about it.
Yesterday was so horrible for me, I had so much stuff on my mind with the things that I have been going through and that I have went through over the years. I slept 45 mins in a 48 hour time period and I really hate when I get like that, because it seems like everything seems to come up and I just need to spill my guts to everyone. People can't realize all the crap that I have been through. I may only be 27 years old, but I have been through alot of things in my life time. I don't have much to vent about right now, because I pretty much talked my husbands ear off yesterday when we were supposed to be sleeping, but I couldn't sleep. I will post later.
It has been forever since I have been on here, I spend most of my time on facebook. Haha, who really don't anymore? I guess, I just have way to much more free time than other people do. I promise I am going to keep updating all kinds of stuff on here to get things off of my chest and out of my head. I am a little fire cracker anymore. If I get a bug up my butt, I post about it.
Yesterday was so horrible for me, I had so much stuff on my mind with the things that I have been going through and that I have went through over the years. I slept 45 mins in a 48 hour time period and I really hate when I get like that, because it seems like everything seems to come up and I just need to spill my guts to everyone. People can't realize all the crap that I have been through. I may only be 27 years old, but I have been through alot of things in my life time. I don't have much to vent about right now, because I pretty much talked my husbands ear off yesterday when we were supposed to be sleeping, but I couldn't sleep. I will post later.
Just Typing My Feelings Out
I typed this on: December 8, 2010
I am about to go friggin crazy. I am tired of everything in my life going bad. I have no job, no vehicle, the bills are behind. Nothing is going like it needs to. I know everyone says that their life is bad or nothing goes right, but until you have been in their shoes you have nothing to say about what they complain about. I have been down alot of hard roads in life, I have mad a lot of mistakes and I have been through alot of shit that nobody will ever know about or even begin to understand. Some people don't realize they have the finer things in life. I have my kids, yes, but what good is having kids that I can't see as much as I want to. Since I have moved I am far away from them and I have no freaking way of getting them as much as I want.
I am just so depressed and I am tired of trying to talk or explain what is wrong with me. It is everyone's choice on whether they really wanna know wassup or not. They can read this or they can skip over it, either way it wouldn't matter to me. With Christmas coming up, I dunno if my kids will even have a Christmas. If we are behind on everything as it is, how in the hell are we going to be able to afford for them? I am tired of trying to borrow money or asking people for money because it is always thrown up in our faces from other people on how we always depend on other people. I am sick of the shit. Who has never depended on anyone else at one point in their life? I am going to try and keep up a daily blog on here even though this blog spot is bs, but hey, at least I can get some things off my chest, since I can't even afford to go to my therapy sessions anymore.
I am about to go friggin crazy. I am tired of everything in my life going bad. I have no job, no vehicle, the bills are behind. Nothing is going like it needs to. I know everyone says that their life is bad or nothing goes right, but until you have been in their shoes you have nothing to say about what they complain about. I have been down alot of hard roads in life, I have mad a lot of mistakes and I have been through alot of shit that nobody will ever know about or even begin to understand. Some people don't realize they have the finer things in life. I have my kids, yes, but what good is having kids that I can't see as much as I want to. Since I have moved I am far away from them and I have no freaking way of getting them as much as I want.
I am just so depressed and I am tired of trying to talk or explain what is wrong with me. It is everyone's choice on whether they really wanna know wassup or not. They can read this or they can skip over it, either way it wouldn't matter to me. With Christmas coming up, I dunno if my kids will even have a Christmas. If we are behind on everything as it is, how in the hell are we going to be able to afford for them? I am tired of trying to borrow money or asking people for money because it is always thrown up in our faces from other people on how we always depend on other people. I am sick of the shit. Who has never depended on anyone else at one point in their life? I am going to try and keep up a daily blog on here even though this blog spot is bs, but hey, at least I can get some things off my chest, since I can't even afford to go to my therapy sessions anymore.
Depressed
I wrote this: September 8, 2010
My world has completely turned upside down this past week. Who would have thought that a simply back problem could lead to severe pain and incontenance. I am freaking 26 years old and I have already became partially paralyzed due to a simple back problem that I let get worse over time. I have nobody to blame but myself. I have to live everyday not knowing if I will ever regain feeling completely in my right leg or even have bladder and bowel control.
It is so embarrasing to know that once people found out that a normal person turned to a partial paraplegic over night they don't want anything to do with me. It is embarrassing that I can't even really got outside of the house not knowing if I am going to have an accident on myself. I am 26 years old and incontenance ain't supposed to hit until I am in a nursing home, if then. Nobody will ever understand how I feel. All they can do is ask me how I am doing, I can't say I am doing good because it would be the biggest lie that I have ever told. There is nothing that is good whenever you poop on yourself in front of people. I can't even clean my new house because the doctor told me to take it easy and do what I can when I can. I have been forcing myself to walk knowing that I may fall at any given moment and end up right back on the surgeons table. I have future back surgeries in store for me because I have alot of fractures in my back along with more herniated disks. He only done suregery on one disk because it was a massive size and it caused my partial paralysis and incontenance.
I don't want sympathy from anyone. I just want to be able to be normal again. I have had people say look on the bright side at least you can get your disability. I am not a lazy person, I would rather work and I know that the condition that I am in, I can't. I just don't know what to do. I can't look on the bright side of things when I am really down in the dumps about this embarrasing problem.
My world has completely turned upside down this past week. Who would have thought that a simply back problem could lead to severe pain and incontenance. I am freaking 26 years old and I have already became partially paralyzed due to a simple back problem that I let get worse over time. I have nobody to blame but myself. I have to live everyday not knowing if I will ever regain feeling completely in my right leg or even have bladder and bowel control.
It is so embarrasing to know that once people found out that a normal person turned to a partial paraplegic over night they don't want anything to do with me. It is embarrassing that I can't even really got outside of the house not knowing if I am going to have an accident on myself. I am 26 years old and incontenance ain't supposed to hit until I am in a nursing home, if then. Nobody will ever understand how I feel. All they can do is ask me how I am doing, I can't say I am doing good because it would be the biggest lie that I have ever told. There is nothing that is good whenever you poop on yourself in front of people. I can't even clean my new house because the doctor told me to take it easy and do what I can when I can. I have been forcing myself to walk knowing that I may fall at any given moment and end up right back on the surgeons table. I have future back surgeries in store for me because I have alot of fractures in my back along with more herniated disks. He only done suregery on one disk because it was a massive size and it caused my partial paralysis and incontenance.
I don't want sympathy from anyone. I just want to be able to be normal again. I have had people say look on the bright side at least you can get your disability. I am not a lazy person, I would rather work and I know that the condition that I am in, I can't. I just don't know what to do. I can't look on the bright side of things when I am really down in the dumps about this embarrasing problem.
Poem: Sleep Love, Forever Sleep
I wrote this during one of my suicidal moments:
This is a poem that I wrote on how I feel myself. I wrote this on June 6, 2010
I lay in the darkness all to myself, thinking thinking thinking, as I go into the depth of the never ending, I wonder, where am I going, where will I end up. As the blood slowly oozes out of my veins, I realize my life has no meaning and it would be gone forever, as I slowly eeze into the depths of forever, I am lifeless, I am no more.
This is a poem that I wrote on how I feel myself. I wrote this on June 6, 2010
I lay in the darkness all to myself, thinking thinking thinking, as I go into the depth of the never ending, I wonder, where am I going, where will I end up. As the blood slowly oozes out of my veins, I realize my life has no meaning and it would be gone forever, as I slowly eeze into the depths of forever, I am lifeless, I am no more.
Tired.....
This was written on March 21, 2010
I am so sick and tired of men and women. I am tired of being lied to. Yes, I have secrets that only a few people know, but wtf would you decide to lie to me. I am a drama free person or at least I try to be. I want no part of drama. I am just so sick and tired of being lied to and mistreated by others. You heard that saying do unto others as you want others to do unto you. I am just tired of crap, is that so wrong of me?
I am so sick and tired of men and women. I am tired of being lied to. Yes, I have secrets that only a few people know, but wtf would you decide to lie to me. I am a drama free person or at least I try to be. I want no part of drama. I am just so sick and tired of being lied to and mistreated by others. You heard that saying do unto others as you want others to do unto you. I am just tired of crap, is that so wrong of me?
Puppy Mills In Arkansas
This was written on July 9, 2009
Ok, this shit has pissed me off for years, to sit there and breed your dogs, for puppies to sell to make money to get more dogs to breed for puppies to sale. It is fucking awful.
Ok, what brought this up? Wouldn't you like to know?! Well here it goes, I go to this womans house to get a dog, she lives at Bald Knob, AR. She sounds all nice and friendly over the phone, well, we finally show up to look at her dogs that she is giving away and low and behold, we walk into this huge ass back yard, that has about 20 (4ft by 4ft) pens that has about 100 dogs divided between them. You do the math.
I am thinking ok, I will give this woman the benefit of the doubt, she may be a member of the humane society, so as we are walking through to get to the pen of free dogs that we were going to look at, I am getting aggrivated and just had to know if she is the White County Humane Society, and I asked her. She turned around and smiled at me this fucking cheesy ass smile.
Then she proceeded to tell me no, I just buy these dogs and breed them and sell the puppies to make money. I had steam coming out my ears, I am sure. There are so many animals trying to find homes right now, and they are sitting there making more animals in this world just to get a quick buck. WTF? Anyways, give me your opinions.
Ok, this shit has pissed me off for years, to sit there and breed your dogs, for puppies to sell to make money to get more dogs to breed for puppies to sale. It is fucking awful.
Ok, what brought this up? Wouldn't you like to know?! Well here it goes, I go to this womans house to get a dog, she lives at Bald Knob, AR. She sounds all nice and friendly over the phone, well, we finally show up to look at her dogs that she is giving away and low and behold, we walk into this huge ass back yard, that has about 20 (4ft by 4ft) pens that has about 100 dogs divided between them. You do the math.
I am thinking ok, I will give this woman the benefit of the doubt, she may be a member of the humane society, so as we are walking through to get to the pen of free dogs that we were going to look at, I am getting aggrivated and just had to know if she is the White County Humane Society, and I asked her. She turned around and smiled at me this fucking cheesy ass smile.
Then she proceeded to tell me no, I just buy these dogs and breed them and sell the puppies to make money. I had steam coming out my ears, I am sure. There are so many animals trying to find homes right now, and they are sitting there making more animals in this world just to get a quick buck. WTF? Anyways, give me your opinions.
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