Emotional

I have been looking at a lot of peoples profiles and I am so emotional over how good they have it. I feel like my life has been horrible. It seriously went down hill when I divorced my first husband and then married my second one. I wonder how my life would have been if I wouldn't have gotten remarried like I swore that I wasn't going to do. This man I had lost my virginity to when I was 13 and then he raped me whenever I was 16 and I just let it go. Then in 2006 we became reaquainted and I told him how I despized him and hated him for forcing me to have sex with him and then threatening to kill me if I ever told anyone.

He appoligized and cried and everything and I fell for the shit. I forgave a rapist and then married him. WTH was I thinking? After we got married he told me that he had been in prison previously for breaking and entering and some other shit and then I found out that he was going to jail. After, he got out of jail he done numerous things that were illegal. I told him to stop while he was ahead and so on and so forth, but he didn't listen and I didn't turn him in for the things that he done. I then ended up in jail because he told the attorney that I knew all about his wrongful doings. After a year or more fighting to get by with probation, something else come up that they blamed me for that was Jason's doing, but they couldn't blame him because he was in jail at the time it happened and I was out and about. That resulted me going to prison on July 12, 2008. After I got out, I got a divorce from him, he didn't want a divorce so I had to go through every procedure possible to get him to sign it. His mom told him that if he didn't sign that I couldn't get a divorce from him. WTH?!?!?! Wrong!!! I went to court a 20 days from the date that I got out of prison and got the judge ordered divorce. Why do I forgive such unforgiveable things? I am a horrible ass person. I feel like everything that is going wrong in my life I truly deserve.

I don't deserve a normal life. I don't deserve my new husband of a little over 2 years now. I don't really deserve to live. I can't ever do anything right. Seems like a lot of people lie to me, just to see how much they can get away with or how gullable I am. I am so ready to end my life. It really feels like I honestly have nobody. Craig goes to work, comes home, eats, plays on the computer, goes to bed, wakes up, takes a shower, gets dressed, and leaves for work. My kids won't be here until next week, Father's Day is Sunday and I want to be able to see my dad and I don't know if I will even get to do that. I was going to get him a card, but I will probably end up printing one off the net and giving it to him.

I am just so much in a mess anymore. It really feels like I have nobody. When people msg me online, I do respond and it is like the conversation literally goes nowhere, one of us shuts up and the convo is gone. I know I am opinionated, I was born this way. I want my fucking life back. I want to be able to be myself again. I get so depressed when my kids aren't here. I have no company anymore, and since Craig pretty much works all the time, I have no way of going and visiting anyone.

I have so many sores on me anymore it is pitiful. I have to wear these stupid fucking adult briefs that cause me to itch when I sweat, and when I itch I scratch and since I have been cutting my nails off, I am literally scratching so hard that I am rubbing my skin raw, which in returns dries up to the pull up and when I go to use the bathroom, I am pulling it off of my skin which in return causes sores. I have to be pretty much sore free when I go into the dr on the 5th and into surgery on the 11th.

My blood pressure has been high these last few nights and my sugar has been acting up and I dunno wtf is going on. I am just tired. I want someone to talk to. If I am left very much more by myself, it is going to result in more problems and cuts/sores.