Why Me?

Yes, I asked that very famous question that a lot of people ask. Why me? The famous answer that some morons come up with is why not? I have a lot of mental issues, I am a paranoid, physcophrenic (sp?), that is bi-polar, with suicidal tendencies. Yes, that is what my therapist says. Also, did I mention I have a severe case of insomnia? Yes, that covers me in a literary NUTSHELL. I have had 3 hrs of sleep, if that is what you want to call it, in a little over 24 hrs. I am highly emotional.

It has been awhile since I have cut, a few months actually. I am wanting to do it again so badly that I can't stand it right now. I am overwhelmed with everything. I won't have my kids till tomorrow and I miss them like crazy. I knew on their trip to Branson that something was wrong with one of my kids and I couldn't place it. It wasn't something bad, but I knew something wasn't right. I asked my ex husband if the kids were ok, and he said yeah, they are ok, so I am like ok. Well, Thursday I knew they were coming back home from Branson, so I waited till yesterday to call since I knew it was a long trip for them to make and I knew the boys would be tired, when I called Josh answered the phone. I said, "Hey baby, how are you and bubba doing?" He said, guess what, I said what, He said I have poison ivy. I said what, how did you get it? He said on the saffari they went on at Branson.

I asked his dad last night through a msg (which I knew he wouldn't get till today) how bad of poison ivy does he have, he said not bad, then I asked him what he considered not bad, he said it is all over his back, arms, and neck. It took everything I had not to get emotional over that, it was his job to let me know, but at the same time, I have to understand that maybe he thought he didn't want to upset me, or it just showed up. I can understand that, so I let it slide, no need for an argument over something that takes days to show up in most cases anyways.

I am tired of being alone here in this house, not even in jail or prison was I allowed to be alone because of my cutting and suicidal tendencies. I have major trust issues as it is and with my hubby I have been letting the walls down because we have been married for a little over 2 years. Well, he was in the navy for 8 of the almost 9 years that he was married to his ex wife and he openly admitted to me that she cheated on him so in return he cheated on her and I have been cheated on numerous times by many men. No, I am not perfect, and I am not going to say that I haven't cheated before in my life or in my first marriage. I can say the reasoning, but it doesn't make me any less guilty for doing it. Well, my husband works 2 jobs and when he started working his first jobs he would constantly talk about these girls and it really irritated me, because they were young and skinny and some of them were pretty.

Well, last night he was talking to this girl that he works with at his second job and he was talking about how she is a Wiccan like me and that she is also bi-sexual like me. I said really, is she cute, he said no not really. I said you aren't thinking about doing anything with her are you, and he said no, she ain't cute, I wouldn't have any thoughts like that and so on and so forth. I could tell he was lying, so I stormed to the bathroom and took me a shower and broke down crying. I told him, a lot of the time that guys tell girls that their gf or wife is bi sexual that is normally an offer of a 3 some. He said, no I didn't mean it like that, and I told him that is how some women take it. He said she can have you but I don't want a 3 some. He said she is cute and all but she has a bf and I am married and not to mention she is my co-worker so I wouldn't even attempt it anyways. I am like wth, you just told me she wasn't your type or cute or anything. I don't know wth is going on. He has been a good man to me, yes we have had our ups and downs, but this past week, he has pretty much been with her the whole time they are working. What am I supposed to do? I want to believe he is faithful, but at the same time, we aren't having sex because what is the point since I can't feel it? He can and he complains about it been to tight (i know tmi), but what do you expect now being able to have sex?

I don't want this marriage to fail like my other 2 did. I am 27 years old. I know how to stand on my own two feet, well used to, but now I am paralyzed waist down pretty much, the only feeling I have is in my left leg which supports me. I dunno wtf to do. I am highly emotional right now and I need a butt ton of prayers, because if this don't work out with him, I AM NEVER DATING AGAIN, man or woman. I have trust factors for a reason.

Emotional

I have been looking at a lot of peoples profiles and I am so emotional over how good they have it. I feel like my life has been horrible. It seriously went down hill when I divorced my first husband and then married my second one. I wonder how my life would have been if I wouldn't have gotten remarried like I swore that I wasn't going to do. This man I had lost my virginity to when I was 13 and then he raped me whenever I was 16 and I just let it go. Then in 2006 we became reaquainted and I told him how I despized him and hated him for forcing me to have sex with him and then threatening to kill me if I ever told anyone.

He appoligized and cried and everything and I fell for the shit. I forgave a rapist and then married him. WTH was I thinking? After we got married he told me that he had been in prison previously for breaking and entering and some other shit and then I found out that he was going to jail. After, he got out of jail he done numerous things that were illegal. I told him to stop while he was ahead and so on and so forth, but he didn't listen and I didn't turn him in for the things that he done. I then ended up in jail because he told the attorney that I knew all about his wrongful doings. After a year or more fighting to get by with probation, something else come up that they blamed me for that was Jason's doing, but they couldn't blame him because he was in jail at the time it happened and I was out and about. That resulted me going to prison on July 12, 2008. After I got out, I got a divorce from him, he didn't want a divorce so I had to go through every procedure possible to get him to sign it. His mom told him that if he didn't sign that I couldn't get a divorce from him. WTH?!?!?! Wrong!!! I went to court a 20 days from the date that I got out of prison and got the judge ordered divorce. Why do I forgive such unforgiveable things? I am a horrible ass person. I feel like everything that is going wrong in my life I truly deserve.

I don't deserve a normal life. I don't deserve my new husband of a little over 2 years now. I don't really deserve to live. I can't ever do anything right. Seems like a lot of people lie to me, just to see how much they can get away with or how gullable I am. I am so ready to end my life. It really feels like I honestly have nobody. Craig goes to work, comes home, eats, plays on the computer, goes to bed, wakes up, takes a shower, gets dressed, and leaves for work. My kids won't be here until next week, Father's Day is Sunday and I want to be able to see my dad and I don't know if I will even get to do that. I was going to get him a card, but I will probably end up printing one off the net and giving it to him.

I am just so much in a mess anymore. It really feels like I have nobody. When people msg me online, I do respond and it is like the conversation literally goes nowhere, one of us shuts up and the convo is gone. I know I am opinionated, I was born this way. I want my fucking life back. I want to be able to be myself again. I get so depressed when my kids aren't here. I have no company anymore, and since Craig pretty much works all the time, I have no way of going and visiting anyone.

I have so many sores on me anymore it is pitiful. I have to wear these stupid fucking adult briefs that cause me to itch when I sweat, and when I itch I scratch and since I have been cutting my nails off, I am literally scratching so hard that I am rubbing my skin raw, which in returns dries up to the pull up and when I go to use the bathroom, I am pulling it off of my skin which in return causes sores. I have to be pretty much sore free when I go into the dr on the 5th and into surgery on the 11th.

My blood pressure has been high these last few nights and my sugar has been acting up and I dunno wtf is going on. I am just tired. I want someone to talk to. If I am left very much more by myself, it is going to result in more problems and cuts/sores.

Wanting To Scream!!!

I post to communities and I ask for advice and once again I am bashed for saying I was asking for advice and not to bash me and so on and so forth. WTH!?!?! I was told that me telling people not to bash me won't make me any friends in the community. Well let me fucking tell you something, when I am asking for ADVICE about something, I am not there to make fucking friends, I am there to get help about things, you moron!!!!

I ask advice because 9/10 I am the one giving it to everyone because they always come to me seeking help or advice. I don't BASH people for it. I posted to a community board about dogs and I was told that I am not doing what is in the best interest for my dog, wtf? I was asking how the hell I can keep her from pee'ing on the furniture. She didn't start doing that until she became pregnant and she waits till we go to bed to do it. She also only does it when we get onto her. How is crating her in her best interest?

This person more or less said that my dogs retaliation is a physical issue and that she must be taken to the vet immediately. I then in return told her, I am not a rich bitch and just because my dog might sneeze like yours does not mean that she has something wrong with her. WTH!?!?!


Now I see wth, I don't get a long with some people. People that post shit to make you look horrible has some major issues and in return just pisses people off. If dog communities just want to get rid of my ass for deleting posts or banning stupid people from reading my shit, then go right on ahead. I have a life (not much of one) and I can make up my own community whenever I feel like it. When I ask for advice, I am asking for just that. I know everyone is entitled to their opinion, but there is a line between advice and bashing you because you are poor...

So Frustrated!!

Who the hell does some people think that they are? When someone asks you for advice that does not mean bash them especially when you don't know their situation. People are bringing up old topics from awhile back and they are inboxing me about their concerns or with their not needed advice or bashing anymore. I think that I am going to start changing my settings to where my stuff isn't public and that you have to be my friend before you can talk to me. I do feel very excited that a few people has added me to their friends list. I feel very excited about it.

I know that I have my bitching sessions on here. My husband finally got to talk to his children after a few days of his non stop texting and calling. My kids are in Branson with their father for the week so it sucks not having kids here or my husband not here. I feel like I am always left out of the loop. My insomnia is horrible anymore. I have had insomnia for quite a few years and everytime I go to sleep someone either calls, texts, or comes to the door. My husband works constantly and I understand that he is tired when he comes home, but he like never spends time with me anymore. I just really would like to have people to talk to.

Up and At Em....lol

I dunno what is going on with me anymore. I really truly believe I am a diabetic, but out of all the blood work I have had done, not one person has told me that is what I have. Last night, I got to feeling really freaky, I was having hot and cold flashes really bad and then I kept feeling like I was going to pass out and I was feeling nauseated. I could barely stand because the room felt like it was spinning and I really felt like I was going to hit the floor. I knew it was one of two things, either it was my bp up or it was my sugar being down, but I don't have a glucometer so I couldn't figure out anything about my sugar level.

I then decided to take my bp (best thing i spent my money on) and my bp was 150/90 which is a lot higher than what it normally was. So I fell asleep for a few hours in here in the chair in the front room, hubby said he wasn't going to move until I woke up. I then woke up about 11 and he asked me how I was feeling. I told him a little better, I then got up to go to the bathroom and the nausea and light headedness hit me again. I then almost fell over. I hurried and done my business and I went to bed with Craig. I laid there for a good hour and then I started shaking really bad along with the nausea and feeling like I was going to pass out.

I rolled over and kissed Craig and told him that I was going to come in here and drink me some orange juice (which I am allergic too, but also know it is good for those that have diabetes). I drank what we had left of it and about 15 mins after I drank it, I feel fine. Now I am tired as hell, but at the same time, Craig will be up in about 2 hours to go to work at the hospital. I want him to get some much needed sleep. Anyways, that is all that I can post about right now. I am sure I will post more later on.

Bored

I am so bored right now. It seems like my husband is ALWAYS working anymore. So much has happened to me lately and I am about to go crazy. I have been on a cleaning spree for the past 2 days, bleaching down everything!! A lot of people have asked me if I was "nesting". WTH people, I am not pregnant!!! I am just tired of this place looking the way that it does. Our puppy I am about so ready to get rid of her. I love her to death and I finally got her to quit using the carpet as a bathroom. She will go on the linoleum now. I just sit here at home anymore, because apparently I don't have a life. Hubby works almost every day. He works 2 jobs. I am not working because I can't. I am in excruciating pain lately from over doing it with my back.

I went to the dr the other day and he said I have aquired disk displacia, whatever the hell that is. I have another back surgery scheduled for July 11th (7/11). I have to be there at 5:30 in the morning and my surgery is supposed to be at 7 that morning. That is the earliest I have ever been scheduled. I wish my immune system wasn't all screwed up. This time I am going to wear a pull up and I am going to act like I forgot all about wearing it. They can easily cut it or pull it down compared to panties. The iv they stick me on makes me want to pee constantly so just in case I am leaving a pull up on to catch it all since I am incontinent. I hope and pray this surgery fixes everything that is numb on me. I want all my feeling back. Well, I guess I have gripped enough. Imma find something on tv to watch as usual.

More Followers

How in the world can I get more followers? I mean I know that my life is boring, but I do have a lot of good points. I just wish that I could have people ask me questions and me give like free therapy. I give open and honest advice and I have been there and done that in a lot of senses. Anyone interested? Post questions to me and I will be sure to respond to your questions in a lengthy blog. :)