Depressed

I wrote this: September 8, 2010


My world has completely turned upside down this past week. Who would have thought that a simply back problem could lead to severe pain and incontenance. I am freaking 26 years old and I have already became partially paralyzed due to a simple back problem that I let get worse over time. I have nobody to blame but myself. I have to live everyday not knowing if I will ever regain feeling completely in my right leg or even have bladder and bowel control.

It is so embarrasing to know that once people found out that a normal person turned to a partial paraplegic over night they don't want anything to do with me. It is embarrassing that I can't even really got outside of the house not knowing if I am going to have an accident on myself. I am 26 years old and incontenance ain't supposed to hit until I am in a nursing home, if then. Nobody will ever understand how I feel. All they can do is ask me how I am doing, I can't say I am doing good because it would be the biggest lie that I have ever told. There is nothing that is good whenever you poop on yourself in front of people. I can't even clean my new house because the doctor told me to take it easy and do what I can when I can. I have been forcing myself to walk knowing that I may fall at any given moment and end up right back on the surgeons table. I have future back surgeries in store for me because I have alot of fractures in my back along with more herniated disks. He only done suregery on one disk because it was a massive size and it caused my partial paralysis and incontenance.

I don't want sympathy from anyone. I just want to be able to be normal again. I have had people say look on the bright side at least you can get your disability. I am not a lazy person, I would rather work and I know that the condition that I am in, I can't. I just don't know what to do. I can't look on the bright side of things when I am really down in the dumps about this embarrasing problem.