WTF

I just realized today that I have needed therapy pretty much all of my life? I didn't live a normal teenage life, like most people did. I grew up poor. My parents worked very hard to keep us from doing without. There were several days I can remember that we had nothing but canned goods to live off of. My parents tried their damndest to make sure that my sister and I had what we needed growing up. Yeah, we had walmart clothes, but ofw (oh fucking well), just because it wasn't Nike or Abercrombie and Fitch we were considered out casts by many people. I used to wonder why in the world wasn't I a "special" person to be able to have the name brand stuff that would keep me from constantly being made fun of in school. My sister always had it easy (in my mind). To me, she never went through a hard time at all.

She wore nicer clothes than I did, she was pretty much a straight A student, she had great friends, and was able to have a lot more priviledges than I did while growing up. She got to drive early, work, go hang out with friends, etc. She was the lucky one. She never had to do house work and when mom and dad would try to make her, my grandma would step in and say that my sister would be to busy with her work and schooling to be coming home to do the chores and to lay off of her. She would then say why not make Leslie do more? Mom and dad would tell her that I did do a lot, A LOT, around the house. I would clean EVERY room in the house except my sisters bedroom and on very rare occassion I would do that too.

I was never in the typical family. My sister and I always fought like cats and dogs and on a lot of things, I shunned her and wanted to have nothing to do with her. Then I found out her and I were in the same boat a few years ago with our first marriages. I didn't need help to get rid of mine, but she did to get rid of hers. I would do anything for my sister if I could and she has done the same for me since then. We have been close. Yeah she stills has a lot of things that I never had and wish I could have, but she is just a little bit wiser than me. I live the hard life, I have to do everything the hard way, I have to learn the hard way about everything.

I used to shun my parents for treating her so well and me not having special treatment. I just wonder where I have went wrong with my oldest son. He is 8 years old and he will be 9 this September. I love him to death and he already has a lot more things that I could of ever had. I called to talk to him and my youngest son (which loves talking and being with mommy). It just broke my heart to hear my youngest son say mommy wants to talk to you and me to hear my oldest throw a shit fit saying I don't want to talk to mommy. I don't like her. I don't know where I went wrong, and it really really really bothers me. I know how my parents felt now, because I used to do the same thing and I eventually came around. It just hurts my feelings to hear that.

When I see him in person he will talk to me, hug and kiss me, and tell me he loves me, but over the phone I do lucky to get a simple hi. What can I do to change this? I have tried providing him with what he wants or needs, his dad and I get along for their sakes and we do make sure the boys needs are met and I do know about all the programs and stuff so I can go to them. I love my boys to death and I just wonder where I have went wrong. Has anyone else experienced this with their children? I need help.